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The reception, 9 pm, New Year’s Eve:Once again, Crystal Plaza event coordinator Nella lined up the bridal party outside the doors to the ballroom where the wedding guests waited. One of the vocalists from the reception band Cashmere was moving through the group taking names in order to announce each pair as we came through the doors.
The wedding party had spent perhaps 45 minutes having photos taken in various combinations and permutations by photographer Joseph Lin and his assistant. I was especially happy to be part of the photo that included bride and groom, my adoptive family and my bio family . I also enjoyed the photo of Matt with his uncle (my bio-brother) Patrick. The two of them met for the first time around 2006, but they have an uncanny resemblance. Pat could be Matt’s father or older brother. As Pat said to Matt, “You’re lucky the good looks got passed down to you.”
Just before he left, Father White said to Melany’s mother Susan, “ I hope these two last.” This mightily annoyed Susan. But Matt said that was just Father White’s silly, wise-cracking style.
While we took photographs, the wedding guests partook of cocktail hour, which included a fish station with shrimp and smoked meats, a carving station of turkey and beef, a pasta station, an olive station, a potato station, an Asian station, a.quesadilla station with homemade tortilla chips and guacamole, a crudite station with veggies, and a martini station with 3 backlit ice sculptures. The stations were set up around a highly-mirrored large room with a beautiful, mahogany bar. Waiters stepped through the crowd, passing around hors d’oeuvres like duck spring rolls, Thai coconut shrimp and spinach wrapped in phyllo. The word that comes to mind is sumptuous. Uncle Billy was probably stuffing food in his pants.
But I didn’t eat. There were so many people for me to greet, including my handsome godson Nick and his beautiful and smart girlfriend Jane (She's getting her Ph.D at SUNY Binghamton), my beautiful and accomplished Knight nieces(I am so proud of them although I had no role in their upbringing) , my wonderful bio-sisters Margaret and Libby and their spouses Donny and Ed and the impeccably good-looking Patrick and his lovely wife Deb. Our blast-from-the-past friends Bob C. and Dianne D and Ellie and Vince R.. Our financial advisor Bob Traphagen and his charming wife Kristi, longtime family friends. And all of the folks from Winning Stratagies, where Jim and Matt work in Newark. My sisters Margaret B. and Marian were looking especially fine. Uncle Benny and his son, cousin Lou were by the bar, meeting and greeting and trading wisecracks. (They’re both in the restaurant business, so they know how to work a crowd.) Uncle Robert was talking about walking off with the Crystal Plaza silverware. (But he didn’t.) Uncle Kevin in a suit with his long hair looked like Howard Hughes, the later years.
During the cocktail hour, a duo playing an upright bass and a keyboard provided a jazzie mix. All of the musicians –during the ceremony, the cocktail hour, and the reception—came through the auspices of Barry Herman(www.barryherman.com), whose own band had played at Melany’s parents’ wedding in the early Seventies.
Picture-taking ended, the cocktail hour at a close, guests migrated into the grand ballroom, and the wedding party stood just outside the ballroom doors waiting to be introduced.
This ritual introduction has become a lot more stressful since the YouTube video of the unknown bridal party boogeying down the aisle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0), which they later reprised on the plaza at the Today Show, and which the cast of the sitcom “The Office” spoofed at Jim and Pam’s wedding (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jqk5I236DQ).
Everybody –even the mousiest, the most reserved, the least limber—is expected to shake your booty and strut your stuff as you cross the room. There can be no stragglers. We all acquitted ourselves to the strains of The Who’s “Who are You? Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.”
And then Matt and Mel were introduced. They entered to the song “Baba O’Riley,” also by The Who (who are more a musical fixture of the Baby Boomer generation) and ducked under the linked and outstretched arms of the bridal party.
Their first dance was to what I considered an odd song: “Fix You” by Coldplay.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
(But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I asked Matt why they chose what seems to be such a depressing song. He said it was a kind of inversion:The song is about loss and sadness and Matt and Mel’s relationship is about togetherness and happiness. Plus, he said he was able to help Melany during her time of great loss when her dad died.
Then the mother of the bride danced with the bride to the Martina McBride song “In My Daughter’s Eyes.”
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I'm weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
Is had enough
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what we'll be
And though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone
I hope you'll see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
Very touching lyrics, and in case you haven’t figured this one out, Susan adores her daughter Melany. The feeling is mutual.
Then Matt and I had our dance to the Carly Simon song “Coming Around Again.” I had played this song endlessly on my car audio system when I was picking Matt and Mike up after school 19 or 20 years ago. We’d interpose our own words like this:
Baby sneezes (“That’s Kendall,” we’d shout.)
Mommy pleases (“That’s Aunt Nora”)
Daddy breezes in (“That’s Uncle John”)
So good on paper
So romantic
So bewildering
I know nothing stays the same
But if you’re willing to play the game
It will be coming around again
So don’t mind if I fall part
There’s more room in a broken heart..
We sat to eat dinner and to listen to toasts. We dug into fresh mozzarella, roasted pepper and plum tomato with basil-infused olive oil and balsamic reduction accompanied by arugula, radicchio, and Belgium endive served with balsamic vinaigrette. For entrée, we had a choice of Chateaubriand steak, herb-roasted chicken, herb-encrusted salmon, or vegetable lasagna.
And the speeches began.
My number two son Mike—the best man—has already recorded his speech in this blog. He did a great job. I especially liked the line that a crazy night for Matt in college was when Mom ordered him two pizzas instead of just one. And that Matt’s toughest breakup was when Mike and the Mad Dog split up and ended their show on WFAN sports radio and Yes network television. This was particularly poignant to me because I remember all those weekdays after Matt had graduated college and had not yet gotten a job when he would come into the family room right before 1 in the afternoon when the show started and begin singing the theme song to “Mike and the Mad Dog.”(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KFKU-rIvHw).
Mike’s voice broke when he talked about how Melany had helped me get surgery for trigeminal neuralgia –face and jaw pain that was debilitating for me. I was surprised by his emotion. McQueenys are more wise-crackers than weepers.
It is indicative of Melany’s great loyalty to her friends that she had two witnesses:Matron of honor Celeste Zazzali and maid of honor Jessica Zelizo.
Celeste is a tiny woman with beautiful brown eyes who runs marathons. (Melany made Matt go to Celeste’s party after the NYC marathon even though it was the day after his bachelor party and he was feeling the pain.) Celeste is an oboist and an elementary school music teacher and a scrapbooker. She and Melany met as undergraduates when they were both hired to work for the Director of Bands at the College of New Jersey. They didn’t really like each other when they first met in August of 2000.
But, says Melany, “ Celeste always tells a story that one day we were in our office working together toward the end of our first semester and she asked me something and I gave her a sarcastic response. It made her laugh. As soon as we became friends we were inseparable. We were a package deal. She has been there for me no matter what.”
Celeste rose to offer her toast as matron of honor, walking around the “sweetheart table” where Matt and Mel sat.
“Good evening! Tonight is the best of nights because there is so much to celebrate. Before I say my piece, I want to thank Melany & Matt for allowing me to stand by their side on the most important day of their lives; I want to extend my gratitude to their families for their love and support of this fabulous couple and for making this day possible; and I want to thank all of you for indulging me in the next few minutes. Since I am one of three speeches tonight, I will do my best to keep this brief. Melany has always been a role model for me and I suspect I am not alone in saying that. In the ten years that we have been friends, I have had the opportunity to laugh with her, seek comfort from her, and learn from her. She is the best person I know, and I admire her in so many ways. Tonight I’m going to discuss what makes Melany the person who she is and why she is someone to look up to as a role-model.
“Everything about Melany is beautiful. It goes without saying, but her outer beauty is obvious. Melany, you look absolutely stunning today! And as gorgeous as you are on the outside, you are infinitely more beautiful on the inside. Melany’s character is one that I strive to emulate in my life.
“Melany is strong. Life has thrown her more than her fair share of challenging times. She has handled all of these situations with grace and strength. The strength in Melany’s heart will keep your marriage together for a lifetime. Her strength has been portrayed in many different ways. Whether it was putting Dr. Silvester, an intimidating band director, in his place; never letting her health concerns pull her spirits down; or sticking up for her friends like the time the hotel tried to pull a fast one on us in Vegas. Whenever I find myself in a situation where I have to fight to get what I want, I channel my “Inner-Melany” and think, “What would Melany do?”
“Melany is selfless. Melany has never had a problem taking care of others. She does it like it is her job, her purpose in the world, and she does it without asking for anything in return. Such as the time I was sick and I wouldn’t admit it. We were at my parents’ house and I was stubbornly insisting that I was fine. Melany nodded and handed me the TheraFlu. Or the time before my wedding, she made me feel special even though her knee was on the brink of yet another surgery. She never complained even though she was in pain. She was more concerned about the smile on my face.
“Melany is a listener. Whether we’re meeting up for a cup of coffee or catching up on one of our weekly phone calls, Melany is a master in the art of listening. No matter what is going on in her life, and we all know there have been some turbulent times, she will give you her undivided attention. There have been countless hours where I’ve told her every detail about the next race I want to run, or the exact shade I want to use in a scrapbook I’m making. The same conversation that causes my husband’s eyes to glaze over, Melany absorbs every detail and endures it because she knows how important it is to me. And then during our next phone call, she’ll ask about it in such detail showing you just how well she really was listening.
“Those are just a few of Melany’s best characteristics: beauty, strength, selflessness, and the ability to really listen. I could go on, but I think I’ve already made my point that Melany is an outstanding person, is a role model, and she attracts good people to her like a magnet. Matt, this is where you come in. The same qualities that you saw in Melany that made her fit to be your wife are the same characteristics that drew her to you. You are also strong, selfless, an excellent listener, and you two are going to have some good-looking kids!! On top of that, you have a great sense of humor, an overwhelming amount of patience, and are an honest man whom we all trust with Melany’s heart. When you put two incredible people like Melany and Matt together the result is a beautiful marriage. Future couples will look up to you both as role models and see an example of a first-rate marriage that will last a lifetime.
“With those thoughts, I wish you both the best that your marriage has to offer. Let’s all raise our glasses high and drink to the happiness of this beautiful couple. Cheers!”
Next up was Melany’s friend from childhood, maid of honor Jessica Zelizo. Jess looked especially fetching in the black bridesmaid’s gown, with her dark eyes and her dark hair curling down her back. Melany and Jess’ friendship dates all the way back to the womb.
Jess talked about how her dad had walked up the street when Susan and Steven Felsen moved into their lake community, and had told the pregnant Susan that she better give birth to a girl because the Zelizos had a brand-new baby girl. They spent their childhood playing, talking and dreaming in each other’s homes.
As the best man,, and matron/maids of honor were giving their speeches, Susan and I were formulating what we were going to say. Crystal Plaza event coordinator Nella had told us our speeches were next and,for some reason, neither of us had quite comprehended in the days before the event that we were supposed to give a speech.
When Susan was introduced, she talked about the joy Melany has brought to the family, and how her gift of music has given them so many wonderful memories of concerts, recitals, and performances She talked about how proud she is of Melany and how she has handled the challenges life has given her. Susan thanked Matt for helping Mel’s heart heal after the loss of her dad, and she closed with something Grandma Betty always says, "May your joys be many and your sorrows few."
(There’s really no kinship term to describe the relationship between two families brought together by marriage. Susan, Betty, Aunt Jayme, and Cousin Jayme are Matt’s in-laws, but what are they to me? It feels like I have been blessed with another set of sisters, and I am most grateful.)
I had scribbled just two words on a piece of paper for my speech: “don’t ask, don’t tell” and “cheat sheet..”
When I rose to speak, I started out by talking about how Matt, as our firstborn, was always the prince of our family. I talked about how Matt and Melany shared a love of music and a love of baseball, even though the Felsen-Innes family are Yankee fans and the McQueenys are strictly Mets fans.
However, I told the group, I didn’t even know about Melany until perhaps 18 months after they began dating. I explained that, in the McQueeny household, much as in the US military, we have a policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” when it comes to romantic relationships. I said I don’t have any idea of the identities or numbers of girlfriends Tom has had, even though I’ve sat outside numerous girls’ homes late at night waiting to pick up Tom before he got his driver’s license.
And so, even though Matt had been to Susan and Melany’s home many times and even to Grandma Betty and Aunt Jayme’s home many times, and even had his own seat of honor in Betty’s TV room when they all watched sports, Matt’s family had no idea he had a girlfriend, let alone a SERIOUS girlfriend. (I explained that I had found a Christmas card signed “Fondly, Melany” when I was cleaning out his room after he moved out to his Edgewater co-op. So sue me, I’m nosy. But I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell.)
But Melany was pressuring him to meet his family, and so Matt finally told me he had been dating a girl for a while and she wanted to meet us. He e-mailed me a “cheat sheet” of factoids about Melany, so that it would appear he had been telling us about her all along. On the “cheat sheet”: She was a middle-school music teacher and band director, graduate of The College of New Jersey with a masters’ from the Peabody Institute of Johns Hopkins. She was slender and pretty. She was occasionally a model. She was a great cook. She played the clarinet.
We met Melany at a PF Chang’s –Matt’s favorite restaurant at the time—and she was all of the above and more. We met Susan at a “Cheeseburger in Paradise” in Wayne in September of 2008, and we met the rest of the family around Christmas.
Fast-forward to another momentous dinner in early December of 2009. Matt and I had gone to Melany’s student Christmas concert, and after we heard her band perform, we snuck out to get dinner. Matt told me how, on their tour of the California wine country the month before, Melany had suggested they go ring-browsing. Not ring-shopping, mind you. Ring-browsing. And they had met a ring salesman who had really put the screws to Matt, saying that if Matt really loved Melany, he would have no trouble spending thousands of dollars on her ring, since traditionally a man spends three months of his salary on the engagement ring.
(“The salesman asked,”How much is your love worth?'” Matt piped in from the sweetheart table.)
At our post-concert dinner, Matt told me that he had balked at the ring salesman’s pressure tactics and told Melany he thought it was a waste of money to spend so much on a ring.
“But she’s been crying a lot lately, Mom,” Matt said. “I don’t know what to do.”
I could understand his quandary, panic even. McQueenys aren’t criers, and when faced with crying, we have no adequate response.
I told Matt that maybe he should do what Dad did when we were dating.
“Dad told me that if he kept dating me we would end up getting married and he didn’t want to get married, so he was breaking up with me,” I told Matt. “After about two weeks, he said,’I guess we should get back together.’ Maybe if you break up, it will reveal your true feelings.”
“But I don’t want to break up, Mom,” he said.
“Well, then, if the ring is important to Melany, man up and spend the money,” I said.
And thus, I told the wedding group, I have another beautiful daughter. I am so glad Matt manned up and we are here tonight.
Finally, it was Dad’s turn to speak. Jim is a seasoned, easy, entertaining speaker (I always say I married him for his stories), but he has one serious character flaw. And in a family where humor is a core family value, this is a serious character flaw: He tries to ride the coattails of a successful joke. So, if Matt has told a really funny joke or Mike has uttered a riposte that leaves us weak with laughter or Tom has done a dead-on imitation, Jim tries to milk the laugh they’ve generated with a lesser joke, a junior joke, a runt joke.
(This reminds of the time when Jerry Seinfeld went into the Catholic confessional box to complain to the priest that the Catholic dentist Tim Watley had converted to Judaism for the jokes. “And this offends you as a Jew?” asked the priest. “No,” said Seinfeld. “It offends me as a comedian.”)
Jim started off his speech nicely enough, saying that between Matt’s parents and Mel’s parents, we represent 65 years of married life, so they can look to our experience. Then he tried to jump on Mike’s previous laugh lines, saying that he was surprised we were here at Matt’s wedding, because Matt dated so infrequently he was a once-a-decade dater. (I thought this was a low blow, not at all nuanced the way Mike’s roast was, and so I gave Jim the “cut” sign.)
Jim said the McQueeny family avoided public displays of affection, and it took some getting used to to rise to the Felsen-Innes level of open affection. But, said Jim, “I’m taking training, Melany, so that I can hug more.”
And Melany got up and hugged Jim.
After that, it was dancing. I love to dance, and was dancing up a storm. I danced the pretzel dance with my brother-in-law Donny O. I danced around Maeve and Tom, because it’s a parent’s prerogative to embarrass her children. My children and nieces and nephews didn’t dance much. They watched us boomers make fools of ourselves.
But the most stellar dancer of the evening was the Unitarian minister. He bogeyed, twisted and slithered his way through fast and slow songs. I mentioned his prowess to Susan, and she said, “We Unitarians are a diverse bunch.”
Matt and Melany cut the cake, a beautiful five-tier cake by Ace of Cakes of Baltimore shaped like the New York skyline and emblazoned with the Yankees and Mets insignias, with fireworks in the sky and two champagne flutes for a cake topper. There were two different flavors: mint chocolate chip and apple cinnamon with butter scotch topping.
They then did the traditional feeding of the cake to each other. Matt voiced his fear that Melany was going to smash the cake into his face, the way some brides and grooms do. But she did not.
The cocktail-hour room had been transformed into a dessert palace, with a Viennese table of pastries and cookies, an ice cream bar, a chocolate fondue bar, a coffee bar, and a zeppoli station complete with paper bags so you could shake the zeppolis in a bagful of sugar.
Melany then ascended to the Juliet balcony overlooking the ballroom, and as the band sang the Beyonce song “All the Single Ladies,” she threw her bouquet. Jessica Zelizo snared it. Maeve’s friend Myrna said, “That was a set-up. There was no chance we were going to catch it.”
At some point during the festivities, Cousin Jayme—who is getting married in September -- told Melany, “Remember, you are the bride only until 1.01 am, when your wedding ends. At that point, I become the bride and you become the bridesmaid.”
Another transformation was imminent: It was almost midnight. Susan and Melany handed out the noisemakers Susan had gotten for New Year’s Eve. Melany and Matt were wearing glasses that said 2011 and Melany was adorned with a black-and-pink boa. As it hit midnight, we went around kissing family and friends. What a nice way to welcome the New Year. Photographer Joe Lin climbed to the balcony and took a photo of the crowd from on high.
Finally, it was time to wrap up. My nephew Lou Benedetto departed for the airport to head back to Arizona. Hotel-bound wedding guests were waiting in the Crystal Plaza entry for the shuttle. Grandma Betty was upset that a waiter clearing her table had inadvertently spilled a drink on her outfit.
Because Jim had his car, we were conscripted to ferry big aluminum trays of desserts the Crystal Plaza staff had packed for us. We loaded in a couple of bags containing Melany’s veil and Susan’s veil, and the poster-sized card describing the menu.
I chatted with Mike, Tom, Maeve and Monica in Mike’s room for a while. I was just getting ready for bed around 3 – Jim was already snoring --when my cell phone rang. It was Matt.
“Mom, did you take Melany’s bouquet in your car? She wants to preserve it, and she’s supposed to keep it refrigerated.”
“Matt, I frankly don’t know what’s in the car, but, if it’s in there, it IS refrigerated,, because it’s cold out.”
“Melany is worried. She doesn’t know where her bouquet is.”
And I thought, welcome to marriage, Matt. Her worries become your worries. I also empathized with Melany, who had attended to so many details to make this wedding work. This was one last detail she wanted to get right. It was keeping her from getting to sleep.
“Put Melany on the phone, Matt,” I said.
“Melany, I’ll just go down to the car and check for the bouquet,” I said.
“I don’t want to put you to any trouble, Mary,” she said.
“It’s easy,” I said.
I threw a coat over my pajamas, and put on my flat dancing shoes. Maeve came with me. I went through the contents of the car. No bouquet. We couldn’t open the door to get back into the hotel with our key card. Luckily someone was walking through the back hallway and opened the door for us.
I called them back. “The bouquet isn’t in the car,” I said. “But I can drive back to the Crystal Plaza and get it.”
“There won’t be anyone there at this point,” said Matt. “It’s pointless. We’ll get the bouquet tomorrow.”
“You sure?” I said. “It’s no trouble.”
“We’ll get it tomorrow,” Matt repeated. I prayed Melany got some sleep.
The next morning, the wedding guests still in residence at the hotel joined us at a breakfast we had arranged. When Matt and Melany entered the room in jeans and sweats, they were like royalty on the down-low. Everybody cheered. Grandma Betty told us about the inebriated men in tuxes who had knocked on her bedroom door in the middle of the night.
When the bill came, the maitre d’ gave it to my sister Libby. I guess she looks like the boss or the family matriarch. Everyone said their good-byes. My husband, brothers-in-law and children dispersed to their cars. My niece Monica went to get her babes.
I drove out of the hotel, passing my son Matt talking to his high school friend Chris Kerrigan. I went a mileor two when I got a call from my sister Margaret B. asking for a ride. I doubled back to the hotel, and picked up Margaret. Matt was still talking to Chris Kerrigan.
I put my car in gear and drove out of the wonderful wedding bubble and back into normalcy.
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