The Best Man Remembers:WEDDING DAY

These are brother Mike McQueeny reminiscences of Matt and Melany's wedding day..



And then came wedding day. I awoke early, but not easily. Post rehearsal dinner the night before, some of our family and friends retreated to the hotel bar. After having a couple glasses of wine at dinner, I was more than ready to retreat back to the room. But I stayed out of a duty to my cousin.

This part of the night I’ll refer to as the Tony Squared fiasco, and the story of the most unwitting, involuntary, and most nonconsensual attempt at a love triangle this world has ever seen. Tony (a man) from Melany’s bridal party began to hit on Tony (a man) from Matt’s wedding party, who subsequently began to hit on my cousin (a girl, but married). In the Christian Bible, the sins and vices of this scenario abound; but in terms of entertainment value, you won’t find anything more amusing in either the New or Old Testament. As much as my cousin appealed to me to help her, I tried to keep a straight face, while continually peering out of the corner of my eye to see the train wreck of what would happen next. It was like a game of chicken to see who would flinch first, or more accurately, which party would first realize that no one in this triple play actually had a mutual interest in any other.

By the time I finally announced I was ready to go to sleep, my cousin grabbed my arm and gave me a look as if to say, “I will literally kill you if you leave me here with these two.” In the words of Tony from Melany’s bridal party, who uttered these words to the other Tony, “Tony spelled backwards translates to Y NOT.” But without uttering so much as a word, my cousin gave me a look that spelled out a thousand unstated reasons ‘Y’ she would ‘Not’. I walked her to her room, and finally eased into sleep around 2 or 3.

I awoke on December 31st with the slow realization that this was the day of reckoning. Though I was tired, and a tad hung-over, from the wines imbibed with my Aunts, the beers given to me by my Cousins and Uncle Benny, and to top off the night, at my Aunt Marian’s insistence, a final night cap of a snifter of Grand Marnier. As I opened my eyes and saw Matt’s phone call at 8 in the morning, I already knew this was to be a long day.

The grand question is: What to do on your wedding day? The McQueeny Uncles came prepared, with my Uncle Robert telling me the day before, that on the wedding day itself I should come hang out in their room, as Rob had come stocked with chips, dip, and “Soders.” For myself focused on giving the best man speech, and Matt focused on getting married, the day consisted of a fruitless effort to find something to keep your mind off of the one thing that has completely taken over your mind.

Matt, Tom and I went out to breakfast- a last meal of sorts. Tom got only toast, his reasoning being that he planned on going to town on all the food at Matt’s wedding. Afterwards, we went out to go bowling. The original plan was to find an indoor basketball court and play a couple games. Matt vetoed that plan, reasoning that if someone went to the rim and got hard fouled (which is a likelihood, as my motto is ‘no easy buckets’), Matt would suddenly be less likely to be walking down the aisle, so much as hobbling down the aisle. However, as we began to bowl, we soon realized that a bowling injury would be more dangerous to Matt’s matrimony than an injured ankle. We began to picture it, as Father White utters the words, “Melany, will you now place the ring on Matt’s finger,” for Matt to hold his hand up, and Melany to see Matt’s finger broken sideways from a bowling ball accident.

The day continued in imaginary time. Though events and activities got carried out in the day, they existed in a dream chronology, with everything happening, but everything happening in expedited and fast-forward motion. We were a part of the happenings, but only as casual witnesses to it, with time briskly carrying us towards the day’s eventualities.

Before we knew it, we were tux-clad, and Crystal Plaza-bound. In true wedding custom, as men, we were more like furniture in the ceremony, rather than actual participants in it, with us being hurriedly moved to the wedding hall, told where to go, and told to stay put. When an employee of the Crystal Plaza came up to us and asked if there was anything she could get for us, before the question was fully completed, Matt’s boss and groomsman JIG was already in the process of saying, “Captain and Cokes, keep ‘em coming.”

We all sat around talking: Matt, me, Tom, Tim, Andrew, JIG, Tony, and our cousin Lou from Arizona. Lou wasn’t actually in the party, but with the problems Matt had had the week before, with one of the other groomsmen backing out last minute, we brought out the extended roster. Luckily for Matt, he was blessed to have a deep bench of great friends and family ready to step up. With all the bad weather in the previous days, Lou had a hectic schedule even getting to the wedding, and an even more hectic schedule post wedding, as his flight left approximately 5 hours after the ceremony actually ended. He had been sucking back coffees and cappuccinos, and giving his all the entire time, prompting him to have an honorary spot in our wedding party, if not an actual one.

We each had a drink or two, nothing too excessive. As Father White showed up, he noticed this, and literally struck the fear of God into Matt. Father White was our high school priest at Bergen Catholic. As we’ve shifted parishes often during our church-going years, when it came time to get a priest for the ceremony, Matt couldn’t think of anyone better than a classic BC icon. As we chatted with Father White, he glimpsed down at Matt’s glass and in a serious tone said, “What are you drinking there, Coke, or Diet Coke?” Suddenly, 28-year-old Matt reverted to his 16-year-old BC mentality at the prospect of being asked whether or not he was drinking alcohol, and fearing possibly detention or suspension, Matt uttered in as low a voice as possible, “Coke, Father.”

Within minutes we’d realize that Father White was just pulling Matt’s leg, as later on, while waiting in the back room, Father White said in passing, “I tell you what, it’s great that you guys weren’t drinking, because that’s grounds for instant annulment.” JIG, the only one left with a freshly-poured Captain and Coke still in hand, pulled the glass from his lips and said, “What’d I tell you guys, you booze you lose. You guys never listen to me.”

I think half the fun of the wedding day, was the 40 minutes the groomsmen were kept in the back room, with endless jokes thickening the air. My own joke, on roughly a 10-minute repeat, was clutching my pocket and asking if I accidentally gave the ring to someone else. We all joked with Matt, we all joked with one another, and even at one point a Unitarian joke was cracked by a Catholic Priest, and in return a Unitarian Minister gave a Catholic priest joke. Something with a punchline like: “And then Raquel Welch goes, ‘Those aren’t buoys.’ ” Kidding, obviously. We all gave Matt our final offer as groomsmen, letting him know that the cars were gassed up, and that we could get him to Mexico before anyone knew what happened.
Then the doors opened.

Walking out into the ceremony was the most surreal sight I’d ever seen. Only 40 minutes before, the room was vacant, other than the groomsmen and the ministers. As we walked our way out, we looked out into a packed crowd of family and friends. You stand there in the front of the room and see nothing but your cousins, uncles, aunts, friends, coworkers, etc. No one is saying anything, but everyone is just staring up at you, smiling, and waving. It was eerie in the sense that this is exactly what people describe dying as like. I suddenly thought to myself, is dying like dreaming, can I pinch myself to see if I’m actually deceased.

You look out to see your cousins all snapping pictures of you. Your coworkers all waving. Your aunts blowing you kisses and sending smiles. And from the second row, there was my Uncle Robert, yelling out the marital advice that he had been giving since Matt’s engagement…
“DON’T DO IT!”

Then, like a late-night tv talk show, the band began playing, and the show began. In came the parents, grandparents, and bridal party. As Melany entered, a magnificence entered the room. A collective quieting breath overtook the crowd at the sight of such a beautiful bride. As she walked down the aisle, Uncle Robert made a last great attempt to impart his advice to Matt, but this time, it changed…
“DO IT! MY WIFE DIDN’T LOOK THAT GOOD ON OUR WEDDING DAY!”

And Melany did look spectacular. Her dress highlighted her natural beauty, even causing my brother Matt, normally even-keeled, to choke up as she walked down the aisle. The ceremony went on, and we all waited patiently watching like fans of a team now in the lead, waiting anxiously for the final seconds of the ceremony to wind down, and watch our brother get his ultimate win- Melany.

“You may now kiss the bride,” and as their lips met, Matt reflected that very same imagery, and with the charisma of a champion who knows just how lucky he is, he resiliently threw his fist up into the air. (Just quickly to debunk any and all stereotypes, and for the record, despite us being from New Jersey, this was not a Jersey Shore fist pump.)

The family was rushed downstairs, and the never-ending streams of picture-taking began. Suddenly, I had flashbacks from high school proms, where pictures from every angle, with every lineup, with every variation had to be taken, lest we not capture this wedding day from every facet possible. Brothers and bride, cousins and bride, parents, siblings of parents, cousins of parents, uncles and bride, aunts and bride, aunts and uncles, etc. By the time the request was made for Crystal Plaza staff and bride, we knew the photographer had lost his mind.

Just as our cheeks had numbed from excessive smiling, we were released to our own recognizance, but only for a short time. By the time we had tasted our first appetizers, and sipped our first drinks, everyone was thrust into the main hall, and the wedding parties were organized for their entrance.

Realizing we were getting even closer to the speeches, my nerves increased, realizing that the moment of reckoning was upon us. As the wedding party was being introduced, two by two, I ran over to the martini bar as quickly as possible. The bar was made of ice, and on it there were a number of flavored drinks sitting there. I ran up, grabbed one, and slammed it back in a frat-boy demeanor. The bartender looked at me. “Sir,” he said. I looked back at him. “Thanks, barkeep, one’s all I needed,” I said. “No, sir, those are non-alcoholic drinks,” He said. Suddenly from behind me I could hear the roaring laughter, as what was initially my moment of bad-assery turned into a moment of hilarity. For the time being, I hoped the sugar would temper my nerves as much as I had hoped the alcohol would.

Matt and Mel had their first dance, and after a brief period of dancing, Pastor Steve gave his invocation. I was approached and told that I’d be going first, after the Pastor. I waited wide-eyed, heart pumping, and when the Pastor finished, and I was motioned to approach, I ran up to grab the mic like Rudy being motioned in on special teams, my body filled with excitement and nerves.

Everyone was still chatting softly amongst themselves, so I began to tap on the microphone and felt the compelling urge to yell in an angry teacher’s tone, “No, I’ll wait for when you guys are ready.”

“My family is very proud of Matt today… for this is the longest he’s gone without his iphone. A large part of me does not believe that Matt went the entire ceremony without checking his iphone.
Something tells me that if you go onto his Facebook, he will have checked in on four square midway through the ceremony. Something also tells me that there would be about 20 varied likes and comments from others in the Winning Strategies community also checking the internet during the ceremony, specifically Akshay and Adam Dvorin.”

The funny part about the Akshay and Adam Dvorin comment was that I wrote them into the speech December 29th. When Matt, Tom and I had gone out to breakfast the morning of the wedding on December 31st, Matt, as if confirming the joke, had checked in on four square at the diner where we were eating. Sure enough, that diner Facebook posting did in fact get ‘liked’ by both Adam and Akshay. I knew that morning, that the comment in the speech was altogether too fitting.

“Matt’s a great guy, and my whole family is so proud of him getting married to such a wonderful, smart, and beautiful woman as Melany… And an equally large portion of our family is shocked that Matt was able to get such a wonderful, smart, and beautiful woman as Melany. No offense to Matt, but he was never exactly the type to get a lot of girls, let alone a girl like Melany. .
Let’s face it, a crazy night for Matt in college was coming home on the weekends and Mom getting him two pizzas instead of one….. The only other serious relationship Matt has been in was with his Kindle…. The only difficult breakup he ever went through was when Mike and the Mad Dog split up, which was tough on him to say the least…
All jokes aside, Matt could not have picked a better person to bring into our family. Melany is always the first person there on holidays with gifts, the first person there on special occasions with congratulations.
But the fact is, the McQueenys don’t take much to impress. The truth is, we loved Melany from day one, and she never had to do anything to prove herself to us. But she nevertheless is always there and able to shock us with her level of care and compassion for our family.
Last year, when my mother was sick with Trigeminal Neuralgia, she was in gruesome pain. But my mom, being the type of person she is, prioritized everyone else above her own well-being. And it finally took Melany sitting my mom down, and it took Melany telling her that she was getting this surgery, and it took Melany making the phone calls and making the appointments that finally freed my mom from that awful disease.

Matt was quick to point out that I did get a little choked up talking about my Mom’s surgery. Like trying to squeeze water from a stone, we’re not much for crying, but for us, when we choke up like that while talking, that is our equivalent to bawling our eyes out.

Typically, McQueeny emotions have not evolved much from the prehistoric caveman days. Our emotions are more the way Jack Donaghy in the television comedy “30 Rock” described it, “As men, we get one pass to cry in our lives, so make sure it’s worth it.” Matt was quick to note that the same thing happened to him when he asked Melany’s mom for Melany’s hand in marriage. Though we try to fight it back, certain words or phrases attack the larynx and overcome our defenses. Mom’s well-being is like an emotional atomic bomb, it’s the super weapon that even we can’t stop.

All in all though, I’d say it was a successful man cry.

"Melany didn’t have to do anything to impress us, but as a result of her help to my mom, she got a lifetime of credit in my book.
And Melany, I know sometimes it can be difficult interacting with the McQueenys. Though we may be slightly different from the Felsens, and though there may be certain things we don’t say, or things we express differently….
Please know that we do and always will love you, and that we are, and will always be, happy that you’ve joined our family.
To Matt and Melany”

I hugged Matt and Mel, and quickly sat down, whilst casually trying to guzzle the glass of champagne poured to be sipped throughout the entirety of the speeches. My still-pounding heart decided it prudent to skip this convention in order to calm the nerves.