Lowering the Baby Boom on the Digital Divide

I am being menaced by things digital…and my offspring and things digital.

Herewith, a listicle:

1.) I am afraid of my Quickbooks. I never accept the Intuit updates, because I fear my QB will be hacked or infected by a virus or Intuit will be able to spy freely on my commercial accounts. But, because I don’t update, one day my QB refuses to open. I take my laptop to darling Ralph in IT on the eighth floor, and he replaces my 2009 QB with 2016 QB. This is lovely and modern, but now my QB constantly alerts me that I haven’t incorporated my accountant changes from 2014 (although it looks as if the changes HAVE BEEN incorporated.) So I’m going to have to take my laptop to the accountant.

2.) I no longer know what “hack” means. I thought it meant some digital thugs from Eastern Europe had gained access to my email, but now I’m being urged to try some “brilliant lifestyle hacks.” I think these are often on Pinterest, which I joined, but I am hesitant to dive deep into the many “pins” that have been reserved for me. Perhaps I will never surface.

3.) I have just learned that there is a newer—perhaps digitally superior—acronym for “lol” or “laugh out loud.” It is apparently “kek,” which is from the online game “World of Warcraft.” (Which reminds me of Phil Dunphy from “Modern Family” talking about how he knows all the cool online acronyms: lol, omg, and wtf, which, as he explains it, means “why the face.”)

4.) Tumblr is said to have a reputation as a nasty site, but there are more genteel zones within the site. This was the word at last week’s Winning Strategies public relations staff meeting.

5.) Totally unrelated to the listicle theme: Is Sarah Palin on drugs? Should she be? She seems much more manic than she was during her run for VEEP. I loved her sparkly top at the Trump endorsement, though. Very Vegas-meets-Juneau.

6.) And this is the capper. My twenty-something son and daughter now work out their unresolved and unrelenting sibling rivalry by stealth-changing PINs and passwords. Maeve started it by changing the password on the family Netflix account because she believed my son Tom and his girlfriend were excessively accessing Netflix from their apartment. She changed the password to “[Expletive] Tom.”

Tom thought Maeve was monopolizing the family room with the big-screen TV and the instant-on gas fireplace during winter break. So he installed a PIN on the cable account and parental-blocked the E network, thereby depriving my daughter and my husband of their essential consumption of the Kardashians. Oozing politeness, Maeve got on the phone with a cable rep, but my daughter kept turning to me to remind me what a piece of crap her brother was.

I took my iPad upstairs for some soothing online meditation with Deepak and Oprah.

Kek.

The Great Storm in North Jersey:Fri. through Monday

Friday, November 2. I had left towels soaking in the washing machine when the power went out. I had to go down the basement in the dark and wring them out. I left them to dry some outside for a couple of hours. I washed the front of my hair in cold water, and rolled my hair onto curlers.

Jim comes to tell me it is too cold in the house and he’s going to work in Newark, where there is plenty of power. (The Mayor of Newark, Cory Booker had apparently insisted to the utilities that his city be restored to power immediately or there would be widespread looting.)  Maeve is going back to the Dominiques’ house, where there is light, heat, TV, electric for her laptop and hot water for showers.

I feel rather abandoned, which is one of my go-to life themes, since I am adopted. I remind myself I can too easily revert to feeling this way, and it’s not productive.

 I head out to the Laundromat by the A&P to throw the towels into the dryer.

Sitting in my car waiting for the towels to dry, I call my sister Margaret Opatrny, who lives blocks from the Long Island Sound in Guilford, CT. They had been evacuated, and are staying with her in-laws. My nephew Spencer has had school all week.

I call my brother-in-law John, who reminds me it is my nephew Nick’s birthday.

“I sent him a card on Monday, before the power went out,” I say. “But I also Facebooked him today.”

I call my sister Marian, who is at work stuffing envelopes with election materials. She is yawning and still jet-lagged, but apparently energized by returning to the 80-degree weather of Arizona.

I make chili in my black cast-iron pan on the grill, using more of the hamburger meat Jim bought Saturday. My refrigerators are smelling ripe.

Mike has gotten the news he passed the New York State Bar, and he goes to the Edison Ale House in Newark after work to celebrate with friends. Jim waits and drives him home to Mahwah, where they eat by candlelight around 8 pm.

 

Saturday, November 3. Our friend the NYC news director comes to have an early breakfast with Jim at the diner, gas up her car, and have her laundry done at the Laundromat in the A&P complex.

Around 11 am, I drive Mike to the so-called “warming center” located at Ramapo College, where Mahwah residents can get warm, recharge their electronic devices and take a shower. Mike takes a shower with toiletries I’ve pulled together.

Then I drive him down to the Newark Courthouse where he works and where he has left his car.

On McCarter Highway we see a storefront in a strip mall that advertises in huge green metal letters “DIVORCE $399.” In only slightly smaller letters below, it says, “Spouse’s signature not required.” Mike says to me, “You can stop here on your way home.”

Everybody is out in downtown Newark on Market Street. We pass stores titled “Pretty Girl” and “Urban Denim.” “Urban Denim” seems not so much denim as the glittery, barely-there outfits you might see on girls writhing around poles. Mike tells me the old courthouse was designed by the same architect who designed the US Supreme Court building. (The architect was Cass Gilbert.)

On the way home, I drop off donations at Goodwill in Paramus, and also shop there. (I get a mink fur collar and a copper casserole pot.) Inside the resale shop, it is as though the storm never happened.

I stop at A&P for chicken. I am making barbecued chicken and beans tonight on the grill. A&P seems to be running low on meats.

After dinner we watch the first episode of “Downton Abbey” on my iPad. Jim falls asleep a few minutes into Episode Two around 7:30. When I tell Tom the next day that we go to sleep very early without power, he says, “It’s just the same as Carleton Island.” Our summer house on Carleton Island has no cable TV. When the sun goes down, you go to bed…or you make a bonfire on the beach.

 

Sunday, November 4. Sunday "Blue Laws" are suspended in Mahwah by the Mayor and in the whole of Bergen County by the Governor. Governor Christie has a reputation as a bully, but in this crisis, he is winning kudos as an able and peripatetic leader. Storm-battered citizens are literally throwing themselves into his arms.

Jim has already breakfasted and gone to Mass when I wake up. He tells me the town needs volunteers at the police station down the block at 11:30 am  to distribute sandwiches, soup and crumb cake provided by local restaurants. I sing, as usual, at 10:30 Mass, and the choir lingers to talk about our respective power situations. Even at this point, six days into the outage, about 4,500 of the 9,000 Mahwah residents who initially lost power, are still without power. (Statewide, 62 percent of New Jersey lost power as a result of Superstorm Sandy.)

When I get back home, Jim calls to say they have more than 100 volunteers and don’t need me. I walk down to the police station anyway to see the scene. People are wedged into five or six rows of long tables eating and talking. It’s like a lively Irish wake without the body. Instead of table centerpieces, there are multi-outlet surge protectors.  I plug in my dying cell phone, and procure a peanut butter-and jelly sandwich. I chat with an EMT worker named Janet who recognizes me from church. Janet is from the Fardale section and has been staying with her mother in Suffern. No sign of Jim or my daughter Maeve.

My son Tom calls from Bard College as I walk home back up Miller Road. Tom is always a good audience and he is SHOCKED that we are still without power and SHOCKED that we have gone to gas rationing (only odd-numbered license plates allowed to get gas on odd-numbered days, and even-numbered license plates on even-numbered days.) He is SHOCKED that Governor Christie has wisely canceled Halloween. (Mahwah’s Mayor has organized a “trunk-and-treat” in the municipal complex parking lot on Monday that will allow kids in costumes to trick-or-treat from car to car.)

I pass my neighbors Gary and his son Michael Corrado and my other neighbor Paul Gioni walking down to the Police Station and wave to them. I have never seen so many neighbors out walking without dogs.

When Jim comes home, I tell him I am going to the warming center at Ramapo College to get warm and charge up my devices.

As I drive down Lawrence Road under the draping downed wire, I see a solitary figure sitting in a small Orange and Rockland utility truck. I saw him there yesterday too. He doesn’t seem to have any capacity to fix the wire. He is just keeping vigil.

He reminds me of a story I read in the book “Life in the Old Dutch Homesteads:Saddle River, NJ,” about when native Americans living in Bergen County decided to move west  in 1756. One solitary American Indian named Mashier was left behind to watch and care for the dead in their burial ground.

This seems to be Rockland Electric’s Mashier.

Sunday night, we have decided to go for dinner to “Priya,’ our favorite Indian restaurant in Suffern.

Once we get settled at the restaurant, Jim picks up a call from his friend, the Mayor. Jim is most alive in a crisis. It is no accident he has made his fortune as a spin doctor for companies in crisis. I can hear the Mayor is equally excited and engaged. The Mayor has apparently talked to a cadre of Southern utility workers parked in their trucks at the Pilot fuel depot on Route 17. The utility workers say they have been given no directions from Rockland Electric.

But Maeve thinks it is rude for her father to talk on his cell phone once food arrives. And she won’t put a spoonful on her plate until he ends the call. She also says she can’t enjoy her meal because she is sitting opposite me.

Maeve had thought she would be going back to her high school Monday after a week of forced absence because of the power outages. But the school left a second message Sunday evening, saying there wasn’t enough bus transportation to get students to school.

When we get home from the restaurant, we watch an episode of “30 Rock” on my iPad. Then I head to bed around 8:15 pm. Sleeping under the down comforters is the easy part. Within 15 minutes, you’re warm as toast. Before I go up to bed, I bring the dogs into the family room, where it is somewhat warmer than their usual lair, the kitchen. I lift Duke onto the sofa and I tuck blankets around both dogs.

I wonder if Mashier is still out there in the dark, guarding the ghost of a power line.

Monday, November 5. I go to Mass at 8 am, drop off recycling, and get coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts. I get gas at the Citgo on Franklin Turnpike in case Mike needs to take my energy-efficient Prius to handle electioneering complaints with his judge in Newark early tomorrow on Election Day. The van behind me beeps at me to move up on the short line despite the fact that  I am honoring a sign that asks us not to block the driveway to the diner. It takes only 5 minutes or so to fill up with gas.

I hear from Maeve after I’ve gotten coffee. She is already at the Dominiques. I suggest we go to the warming center at Ramapo College to submit 3 more college applications: William and Mary, Wheaton (early action due November 15), and American. She says she will work on those applications at the Dominiques.

I talk by cell phone to my oldest Matt, who is heading into work in Newark in his energy-efficient Prius. Matt and his wife Mel got power back in their Sparta home on Saturday. But, before they left Grandma Bette’s home in Little Falls, Melany took her mom Susan to get her car fully gassed.

The weather-generated crisis was particularly wearing on Susan’s nerves. She apparently hinted that Matt and Mel should secure a generator for their home. But Matt ignored any such hints and kept watching sports on Bette’s big-screen TV.  The middle of a crisis was no time to get into a scrum for generators, he said, and they were safe and warm at Grandma Bette’s house.

Matt says he and Melany have driven past Susan’s house and her whole neighborhood among the tall pines by a lake in Andover looks gutted and vacant. Matt thinks it could be weeks before Susan gets back into her house.

Matt also says a lot of the panic behavior we’ve seen all over the place stems from workaholics who suddenly can’t go anywhere or do what they’re used to doing. So they channel all their manic energy into driving around and waiting on gas lines.  Matt said he is sure things will normalize when people can go back to work and discharge their mania where they are used to discharging it.

Shortly thereafter, I am sitting in the family room drinking coffee and eating breakfast before the gas fire when suddenly the lights come on. 10:22 a.m. I  shout “Woo-hoo” and go down the basement to make sure the furnaces are operating. They are roaring. The temperature on the indoor thermometer in the dining room reads 52 degrees.

I call Jim, who is in South Jersey, to let him know the power has returned.

He says, “They can all thank me later.” I think he is referring to the fact that he and our neighbor Gary Corrado on Sunday found the utility pole that seemed to be the source of the outage in our neighborhood. Jim got the pole number and told his friend, the Mayor.

Jim has a bit of a savior complex and he thinks all good things happen because of him. When a bad thing happens, he looks to assign blame elsewhere. This has created many interesting dynamics on our marriage.

The Great Storm in North Jersey:Sat. through Thurs.

Saturday, October 27, 2012: The week of the Great Storm starts with a bang. My son Matt and daughter-in-law Melany throw me a surprise birthday party. The surprise is that I didn’t know my sisters Margaret Blackwell from Maryland and Marian from Tucson would be there. I didn’t know my bio-siblings from Rhode Island and Connecticut would be there: Terry, Libbie, Pat and Margaret O and their families.

Jim told me a couple of months ago that Matt was planning a surprise party. Jim had thrown me a surprise party when I was pregnant with Matt, and I had reacted poorly, so he was very afraid to repeat the surprise 30 years later. I told Matt I would be too distressed to have a surprise party. So Matt and Melany went ahead with the party, but didn’t tell me my family was coming. I knew only that my much-loved new family—Matt’s in-laws Susan (Melany’s mother), Grandma Bette, Aunt Jayme, Cousin Jay-Jay and her husband Judge John—would be at the party.

The out-of-towners stayed overnight at a nearby hotel and we got to spend some time together. I knew my brother Patrick and Cousin Jay-Jay and Judge John were staunch Republicans, but I hadn’t realized my sister Margaret Blackwell from Maryland was a rabid Romneyite until we sat talking in the hotel bar .

Sunday morning at breakfast, everyone was checking iPhones for news of the storm. My Rhode Island and Connecticut family were anxious to head North. My sister Margaret Blackwell decided to cut short her visit and get home before the storm as she headed South.

We stopped at Market Basket in Franklin Lakes with my sister Marian to pick up tandoori chicken and salad. But I was anxious to get home and take my 19-year-old son Tom to UrgiCare before it closed at 2. He was so sick and feverish at the party the night before, deathly pale and with dark circles under his eyes, I told him he looked like “The Diary of Anne Frank.”

We got to the Urgicare at 1:30. Tom had strep throat. We got a prescription for antibiotics that we filled at the A&P.

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Monday, Oct. 29.   It is my sister Marian’s habit to ask every day at about 3 o’clock, “So what are you thinking about for dinner?” Marian really likes to eat, and she likes to plan what she will eat.

I consider dinner extremely proprietary information for some reason. When Jim routinely calls me on his way home in late afternoon to ask about dinner, I often won’t tell him what I’m making. I will just say, “There’s food.”

But I tell Marian that today I am planning on pasta, pre-made turkey meatballs and sausage. I got the sausage today at the A&P because Tom, sick with strep throat upstairs in his bed, likes sausage.

Marian suggests we set the pasta water to boil at 3:30, since Hurricane Sandy is expected. So I fill the pot, and set it on the electric stove.

At 5 minutes before 4, at the time exactly a year ago that my sister Nora opened her eyes,  fluttered her hands, closed her eyes, breathed four loud breaths, stopped breathing, breathed two more breaths, and stopped breathing forever, our power goes out.

I dump the pasta into the hot water, and replace the cover.

By the time we eat about 6 pm, the pasta is extremely mushy. The meatballs and sausage are nicely browned from the outdoor grill. I heated the tomato sauce in a pot on the grill.

Tom’s throat is so sore, he can’t swallow the sausage or the meatballs. He has two helpings of mushy pasta…for him, this is preferable to al dente. We sit around in the candle-light, and it is really nice to be together.

We go to bed early. All night, the wind howls, shrieks, hoots. Marian, having a cigarette outside, comes in to advise me to move my car, since branches are coming down. At one point during the night, the sky turns bright as day, with extended flashes of what looks like lightning. It is undoubtedly a substation flaring out of commission.

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Tuesday, Oct. 30. I wake up around 5:30 am. Everything is very dark. I get into my car and go in search of coffee. The Dunkin Donuts where I usually get coffee is not open, and the tall cardboard display shelves are set against the glass doors as some sort of propitiatory wind block. I drive to the other Dunkin Donuts near Don Bosco. It isn’t open either. With some trepidation I get onto the ramp for Route 17 South. I am an explorer, in the dark, alone, and my family doesn’t know I’m gone.

Most of the stores on either side of the road are dark.  By Lake Street in Ramsey, a car is idling on the side of the road. But when he sees my lights, he starts moving slowly into my lane. It is an older gentleman, and he seems ambivalent about being on Route 17. I move over one lane to avoid him.

My son Matt  will use this adjective several times when I talk to him. But, indeed, it does seem apocalyptic, or post-apocalyptic. There are clusters of light here and there, but mostly this commercial behemoth of a highway is dark and still.

A couple of the Quickie-Mart gas station places are lit and open, but that’s about it. I go all the way down to Midland Avenue and back north again. I get coffee at the 7-11 on Franklin Turnpike just south of the Suffern border.

By the time I pass my usual Dunkin’ Donuts around 7 am, it is open and there are maybe 40 people on line. The whole complex of stores around the A&P still has power, a bulwark in the disorder after the storm.

Tom heads back to college, where there is power.

For dinner Tuesday, I made tortillas stuffed with chicken, cheese and beans, wrapped in foil and baked on the grill. Mike came later, and brought pizza from Pizza Master for his dinner.

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Wednesday, October 31. I told Maeve we HAD to submit three college applications online. Bard and Villanova had November 1 deadlines for early action. Vassar’s early decision deadline was November 15, but I wanted to make sure that Maeve’s most critical application was submitted.

I suggested we go to Lydia and Myrna Dominique’s house, because they had power and Internet. But Maeve felt Marian and I had bullied our way into the Dominique household like home invaders the day before when we brought over our devices to be charged. “Mom, Mrs. Dominique didn’t even have her bra on when you showed up at the house,” Maeve said. I hadn’t noticed.

“Well, Maeve, if we go back to the Dominiques, I’ll take my bra off so we are even,” I said.

Maeve didn’t think that was funny.

Mahwah Library was closed for lack of power. Maeve discovered that Westwood Library was open. My son Mike and Aunt Marian piled in his car, and Maeve and I in mine, and we headed south.

The library was loaded with patrons huddled around electric outlets (I joked to Mike, “This is the electronic equivalent of breaking bread together.”)  We couldn’t find a free plug, and commandeered the reference librarian’s empty desk. Maeve slipped a multi-outlet surge protector out of her bag and plugged into the outlet. I plugged in my laptop, she plugged in hers, and Mike plugged in his phone and his laptop. I got onto the Common Application website, but couldn’t reload Maeve’s main essay onto her application. (She had been interviewed on Sunday by two high-powered sisters involved with Vassar – one a nun--- and then had declared to me, “Your edited version was absolutely riddled with errors.”)

I was looking at her versions of supplemental essays that she had sent to me, and realizing that the edited essays would have to be sent back to her, since her laptop was better able to load documents onto the Common App website. At one point early on, Westwood Library lost WiFi and I thought we would have to leave and hunt down another venue. But perhaps 20 patrons left, and the WiFi came back up in about 15 minutes.

People kept coming up to the desk and asking us questions, thinking we were librarians. We answered questions as best as we could, or referred people to the check-out desk up front.

The fine-tuning of Maeve’s supplemental essays was a painful process. She kept saying to me, “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch my laptop.”

I would say, “I have to touch your laptop to do the edits.”

And then the reference librarian said, “I need to move you. I really have to get my desk back.”

Mike said he was almost fully charged, and he left for his apartment in Edgewater. Marian had gone out into Westwood to get lunch.

We took our surge protector and went hunting for another outlet. We found a college-age girl behind the stacks with her phone in one outlet, and her laptop in the other. We asked whether we could plug in our surge protector and re-plug her phone into our surge protector.

Finally, we were ready to download the supplemental essays, to submit the main applications and the supplements and to pay each college’s application fee online.

I then made Maeve respond to an e-mail from an American University representative, to set in motion an appointment for an interview.  And finally we were done, for now. This had been a most painful three hours. I would really rather not be involved in Maeve’s college application process. But I guess I feel it is my responsibility to shepherd things along.

Both heading down to Westwood and returning home to Mahwah, we were amazed at the lines of cars, especially on Route 17, waiting for gas. “It’s just like the Arab Oil Embargo of 1973,” I said.

For dinner, we had hamburgers made from the huge quantities of ground beef Jim had bought at the A&P on Saturday, and potato pancakes from Market Basket.

I ran to church at 7:20, and sang at the sparsely-attended vigil Mass for All Saints’ Day.

Thursday, November 1. Marian hands me a card and wishes me a Happy Birthday as she gets ready to go to the airport with Jim for her return trip to Tucson.

I see birthday greetings to me on Facebook when I get on the Internet through my iPad. My son Mike adds on Facebook…. “though I know you can’t see this because you have no power.”

I wish my sister Libbie, born on the same day six years later, a Happy Birthday.

Maeve has been going to the nearby home of her friends with power, Myrna and Lydia Dominique, and she brings them into the main hall of our home, where I have been sitting. I think they walked up the drive because the Ramsey Oil Truck was blocking the driveway, making a fuel delivery. There is no heat, though, because of the power outage.

“I’ll bring Myrna and Lydia back at 5:30, and we’ll go to dinner for your birthday,” Maeve says.

Jim had taken a shirt and a blanket with him on his way to work in Newark this morning, saying he planned to sleep in the office overnight.

Tom calls from Bard College to wish me a Happy Birthday.,

“How are you able to talk on the house phone if you’ve lost power?” he asks.

“Ah,” I say. “That is the miracle of the dump.”  At the town recycling center months ago, I had retrieved a phone with caller ID that worked on battery power, so it was still functional. The phone quality was poor, but at least I could make and receive calls.

In the afternoon, I went to town hall to pay my quarterly property taxes and water bill. I had to skirt Franklin Turnpike on the way home. It was backed up for maybe a mile with cars waiting to get gas.

Once I got home, I realized I would have to go back to the bank to deposit money to pay mortgages and household bills for November.  I met a woman in the bank parking lot who said she had waited three hours on line to get gas. She was watching gas station attendants walk through the line on Route 17, telling motorists the gas had run out.

I feel strangely de-energized myself. I didn’t feel like myself, and I had few daily goals other than organizing dinner. My son Mike said that the unexpected loss of his daily routines left him feeling ragged.

Light and power are normalcy;  electric light and power are somehow part of our personal and cultural identity.

It seems I am who I am because I can write and email on my laptop. I can print on my printer. I can pick up my phone and call and text without thinking of conserving the battery. I can make a cup of tea at will. I can laugh with David Letterman or Conan or Jon Stewart deep into the night on my television. Who am I if I do not have these sources of media and daily living routines at my disposal?

And, even when I am alone, I feel I am having social interactions when I can watch folks (friends?) on TV, and read the news and blogs on my laptop.

 When I got home from the bank, I found Jim’s car in the upper drive. I told him Maeve was taking me out to dinner with the Dominiques for my birthday. Jim said that was why he had come home, to take me out to dinner.

We went to Pasta Cucina in outer Suffern. Maeve and the girls ordered fried calamari for an appetizer. We giggled all through dinner. I called Marian before we ordered. She was eating a salad in Chicago.

 

Bonne Nuit et Bonne Chance

It’s the 44^th annual French Festival in Cape Vincent, the little village along the St. Lawrence in upstate New York where we have owned a summer house for 30 years.

French Festival commemorates the French people (especially the nobles) who came here at the start of the French Revolution in 1789. Land companies with vast holdings in upper New York State (notably James Donatien LeRay de Chaumont, after whose son Cape Vincent is named) were actively soliciting settlers from France.

The wealthier French people aimed to recreate grand estates here in the wilderness, with manor houses and servants, gardens and fountains, liveried footman for their carriages and afternoon musicales.  In Cape Vincent, they built a house for Napoleon, who unfortunately never made it here. But by the early 1830s, when the then-cutting–edge Erie Canal had shifted the commercial boon 90 miles south of here,  most of those wealthier French people moved back home to la belle terre that wasn't so freakin' cold. (There would be other boonlets, when wealthy New Yorkers and Southerners took the train up to summer in the Thousand Islands….there were hotels on virtually every corner of our little village…but those boonlets passed too.)

Nearly two centuries later, the vendors set up along the village streets and on the green are hawking handcrafted art and signs (“Up here we don’t skinny dip …we chunky dunk”), handmade jewelry and sweaters , handcrafted spices and dips, local artisanal wines.

I buy some things for my sons’ birthday. (Matt, now 30, was born July 13. Mike, now 26, was born July 14.)

I remember French Festivals of the past.  One year, I recall browsing vendors’ stalls with one – and maybe two --strollers. Matt was in one stroller, his cousin Louis Benedetto was in another. We dragged Lou’s brother Michael , then maybe 4 or 5, by the hand.   Lou’s and Mike’s mom, my sister Marian –who lived in Tucson – was spending part of the summer with me. We were young mothers then, not women of a certain age.

I remember my father happily running to the firehouse where they sold French pastries on FrenchFest day, so he could score his Napoleons and French horns before they ran out. After my parents retired, they left New Jersey and moved a block away from our summer house to a year-round home. After my dad died in 1998, my mother slowly evaporated in that house until we figured out what to do with her in her dementia.

Cape Vincent is such a small town people know who you are even if you don’t know them.  One day two years back I forgot to retrieve my ATM card when I was getting cash from the machine outside the one bank on the one commercial street in town ( a street with many empty lots where stores and hotels have been demolished, for instance, the Red-amd-White Grocery, run by the Wiley brothers and burned to the ground in the  Eighties.) Hours after getting my cash and still unaware I had misplaced my card, I was riding my bike past the bank when a bank officer stepped out and called to me: “Hey, you forgot your ATM card.”

And they know you even when you are forgetting yourself. I remember Cape Vincent neighbors disapprovingly telling me how my mother would stand at the intersection by the one village grocery store still in town, looking east and west, north and south, trying to remember where she lived. She lived two blocks from the store.

I remember one French Festival Day, when I drove my sister Nora’s kids Nick and Kendall from Cape Vincent to their home near Sand Bay 7 miles away. All the kids in the car – Nick and Kendall and my children Tom and Maeve, then maybe ages 6 and 5 –were smirking and snickering. I didn’t know why. Turns out Nick had gotten a kitten from some other kid at the Fest, and was transporting it in his backpack. Turned out the kitten had fleas. My sister Nora was not happy.

Of course, FrenchFest is not the same without my sister Nora, who was our guide to the people, stories, tragedies, scandals and bargains of the North Country. She didn’t come to French Festival last year – by that time, she wasn’t waking up until 2 or 3 pm – but she always came in years past. Nora died October 29^th of ovarian cancer.

This year, it is just my husband Jim and I at French Festival. Matt and his wife Melany were up here for the Fourth of July. Mike is studying for bar exams in New York and New Jersey. Tom and Maeve, now 18 amd 17, are home in New Jersey and were supposed to drive up here together. But Tom says he can’t stand being in a car with Maeve and her negativity for 5 hours.  And Jim won’t allow Maeve to drive up by herself. She got her driver’s license only 2 months ago.

I miss having my children here for French Festival, and the ways they are drawn to the eccentricities for sale that resonate with their own eccentricities. I call Maeve to remind her she would be missing the fresh-squeezed lemonade.

My oldest, Matt, on the phone with me the other day, said, “You and Dad are getting a taste of the post-apocalyptic world.”

Matt’s speech is sometimes a little overwrought, but I understood what he was saying: That Dad and I are getting a taste of what it will be like to be empty-nesters. We’ve had so many people around us for so long that just the two of us seems a little….empty. So many of the voices that ricocheted off the walls of our summer house are gone – grown up and moved away, or silenced like those long-ago musicales in the wilderness.

Maeve called me last night to tell me she had run into our neighbor, Mrs. Corrado at TJ Maxx in New Jersey. Mrs. Corrado, a chatty, beautiful woman in her forties, said, “Maeve, I can’t believe how grown you are. And I can’t believe I have two children in high school. I’m almost an empty-nester myself.”

And, according to Maeve,  Mrs. Corrado dissolved in tears.

“She’s a good-hearted, emotional woman, Maeve,” I said.

Some of us get settler’s ennui and go back to France. Some of us evaporate into dementia. Some of us remember flea-bitten kittens and strollers long trashed, even as we laugh at the pre-school sisters boogeying ferociously in their double stroller at the FrenchFest parade to a marching band rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching in.”

We all ride or repress our emotions --or some mix-and-match thereof -- as we spiral through the years.

FROM CUBA TO SPARTA TO CAPE MAY

June 13, 2012: My family is scattered all over, and I feel a little like an air traffic controller keeping tabs on them. I am a sentinel keeping vigil for news of family removed from home base.

My husband Jim is in Cuba.

My number three son Tom has been on a 238-mile solo bike trip through New Jersey, a self-assigned challenge that his father feels is excessively and pointlessly risky.

My number two son Mike is sequestered away in Edgewater, as he studies for the New York and New Jersey bar exams.

My number one son Matt and my daughter-in-law Melany are preparing to host a joint 30^th birthday party for 70 people at their home in Sparta, NJ. Yesterday morning they were in crisis, because the caterer they hired cancelled (by e-mail) 4 days before the party. They were both working, so I got on the phone to hire a new caterer, rent the tent and outdoor tables and chairs, and engage a server. Mel’s mom Susan was already handling the cake and the décor.

My son Mike was considering whether we could sue the original caterer.

As I concluded my last call with Matt on the house phone around 7 pm, my cell phone trilled. It was Tom, telling me he had arrived safely in Cape May. Here are my daily posts to family about Tom’s four-day trip.

TOM-SPOTTING DAY ONE: Tom just called at 8:30 pm Saturday night, after having started his bike adventure at High Point State Park in extreme northern New Jersey. He traveled five or six hours and covered 55 miles of his 238-mile projected journey to Cape May. He popped up his one-man tent in a wooded area off Route 206 in Roxbury Township. Today he ate protein bars, candy and soda. He said so far he is not feeling the weight of his big backpack on his shoulders...but tomorrow will tell. He had to walk his bike up steep hills, because the gears on his old bike (Jim's old bike) aren't so responsive. He figures he has only about another 30 miles until the grade turns flat. His 17-year-old sister Maeve told him to beware bears, snakes, perverts and murderers. He says he needs to buy bug spray because the bugs are bad. He said a lot of people talked to him, asking where he's going . (Probably the questioners were pervs and murderers, but hey... it's nice to be sociable.)

TOM-SPOTTING DAY TWO: Sunday 5:30 pm: Tom called from just outside Princeton. He traveled about 50 miles today. He slept for about 5 hours last night on a rocky berth in the woods...He didn't get to sleep until 3 am ( his college schedule) and then was awakened by the light at 8 am. He went to a Subway, changed his clothes and brushed his teeth in a restroom, and had a chicken-and-bacon sub for breakfast. He had two slices of pizza for lunch. He is staying tonight in a Holiday Inn for the shower, the TV, the soft bed and room service. Tomorrow night he hopes to sleep in a campground. His only awkward moment was last night when a guy on a bike stopped and stared at him as he sat near his pitched tent. Tom said, "Hi, how's it going?" And without a word, the guy rode off.

TOM-SPOTTING DAY THREE: Monday 9:30 pm Just heard from Tom. He’s In Egg Harbor City. He travelled 70 miles today and blew a tire. He hopes to be in Cape May within a day... day and a half..

TOM-SPOTTING DAY FOUR:: Tom arrived in Cape May late afternoon/early evening Tuesday. He called me from his friend Tim's grandmother's house, his final destination. He travelled about 80 miles by bike today.

This morning, he was expecting to wait until 11 am when the local bike shop opened, to get his blown tire fixed. He went to a coffee shop around 9:30 to get a donut, and saw a guy sweeping the sidewalk in front of the bike shop. He went over to ask the guy about his problem. The tire was fixed and he was on his way by 9:40.

The rain was tough, and at Mays Landing, he stopped to put plastic shopping bags on his feet. A lady in a deli saw him, and gave him a plastic poncho. His ride was pretty seamless after that.

I'll pick him up tomorrow afternoon in Cape May. I'm glad he had his bike adventure, but I'm glad it's over...

Meanwhile on Tuesday morning, the paterfamilias was heard from via email. Here are Jim’s first impressions of Cuba:

 ‘Well, a day in Cuba. We're going out to dinner in a few minutes. Weather is really hot but great, such a scenic country, but in total ruin. Looks like when I first went to East Germany when I was 20 years old. It was still devastated by the war. In this case, it’s being destroyed by rot and the embargo, the latter of which seems like a total un-war war on people's lives here. There are barely any streetlights on for any of the streets, and barely a bulb lit inside all the decaying buildings. At night, it looks like a zombie movie. Today, we went to the university and a bunch of other places, including a place for lunch under a thatched roof by the sea that was tremendous. Had chicken, black beans and white rice, plust plantains. I grimaced at the black bean goop, but  it had cardamom and a whole bunch of other plain spices I liked and it was great. Everybody was raving about the stupid chicken they gave the table. The waiter said "This is what chicken tastes like without the antibiotics and drugs they put in them back where you live."" When someone said that’s just communist propaganda, and the waiter overheard it, he said "No, we don’t have the money to PAY for the antibiotics." Anyway, I get only 29 minutes on the hotel computer, and there's a line so I think I'll dump off now. I've been to 70-some countries, including Bangladesh, which had the worst poverty, but this actually seems worse because there are all these buildings that are grand (everything in B/desh was a corrugated mess except for the government buildings and the mosques), so the poverty looks more harrowing. In fact, I went across the street from the hotel here in the middle of the city to avoid paying five bucks for a bottle of water at the hotel. I went into the store, and got accosted by beggars, flocks of them! like mosquitoes you have to swat away. But, they're actually nice people, not dangerous. That made it all the worse. And it’s really clear our blockade is starving them. The wheezer commies from a half a century ago are all but forgotten. Yet, we still keep the screws on. I don’t get it.”

Farewell to the horse I rode in on

Woke up at 8:21, too late for Mass, because of a dream. In the dream, we went to our summer house…(or maybe it was my sister Margaret Opatrny ’s house on the Long Island Sound, because my brother-in-law Donny was there building my nephew Spencer a bed from Ikea and Spencer was smiling in his silent Cheshire-cat-like way). The house next door had just been demolished, an ancient stone building from perhaps 1740.  One minute (or perhaps 270 years) it was there, and the next it was gone. And I wondered why historic preservation protections hadn’t saved this house.

But in my dream, the house also had NOT been demolished, because as nosy neighbors, we all went through the vacant place. Obviously, someone had gone through the house and tagged all the valuables for an upcoming auction. I was in the comforting presence of elder females…maybe my aunts or my biological grand-aunts (whom I never met) or more likely my son’s in-laws, Grandma Betty, Aunt Jayme and Susan. Somebody held up an old bed coverlet in blacks and greys and whites she wanted to bid on. There was a wealth of old milk pitchers and vases, some in lusterware, the kind of stuff I am drawn to. They kept asking, “What do you want to bid on?”

But I said, “I have pretty much one of everything that’s here. I don’t need any more.”

I did see a couple of pieces commemorating the year 1952. One was a hot plate that said “The Lord only knows what will happen in 1952.” And I said to the woman I was with, “I happened in 1952. There are a couple of 1952 pieces here. That must have been the year the couple married.”

I think this dream relates to the work –and emotional work—I have been doing. I have been working hard at clearing things out this week. On Saturday, we traded in my 2004 Ford Explorer, a car I’ve had for 8 years. I was very devoted to that SUV. It had a sun roof, a hitch we installed in the back so I could carry a trailer, a DVD player so the kids could watch movies on long trips, and keyless entry, so I could lock my keys in the car and get in without keys because I knew the digital combination. (Very important: Once Jim locked an earlier car of mine, not realizing the keys were inside. And another time, I inadvertently locked in my sleeping baby Mike, and had to have the gas station across the street from where I was parked pop the lock.)

Now, all my kids have their own cars, and most of them no longer live with me.

Over the years, my Ford Explorer has become absolutely cluttered with detritus:Books, magazines and music CDs,  clothes for the cold and the rain, extra shoes, first aid kits, makeup. It held 5 or 6 or 7 snow- and ice-scrapers, and maybe 40 shopping bags (beautiful shopping bags) from the dump. You never know when you’ll need shopping bags. A couple of years ago, the front passenger seat was also bulging with stuff. But I cleared out enough to keep the front seat clear more recently. Nonetheless, when I found old books at the dump, or magazines for my sister Margaret’s 5-year-old grandchildren Jocelyn and Abby, the middle seats would fill up. The two back seats were completely filled. I couldn’t tell you what was at the bottom. It was like an archeological dig.

I  just decided on Friday that my Ford was a gas guzzler and the car was probably on the brink of new repairs, because it was sticking when I tried to move the gearshift out of park. I told Jim I wanted a new car.

New cars are among his favorite things, so by 11:30 on Saturday, we were buying a 2011 Toyota Prius, a hybrid car that runs on electric and gas. My son Matt bought a Prius the month before, and he raves about his car. (He’s a little OCD  so he is constantly telling you about his mileage.)

The moment we decided to buy the Prius (and now they give you the car immediately to drive off the lot), I faced the really daunting task of emptying my Ford. The rear trunk area was easy because everything there was in plastic bins. But the rear seats, the middle seats, the side pockets and the pockets behind the front seats were jam-packed. When I picked up the Ford to bring to the dealer (we had first come in Maeve’s car), I cleared out the middle seats. When we decided to purchase, I brought the Ford back home and started dumping things into Matt’s old car (which we bought from him to give to my hapless brother-in-law Billy.) Then Jim called saying I had to come back to the dealership…they were waiting for his checkbook.  At the dealership, I was dumping everything willy-nilly into bags, as Jim sat next to me in the new Prius, reading the owner’s manual and talking on the phone to Matt, who was heading to Atlantic City for his high school friend Chris Kerrigan’s 30^th birthday party.

So now I have to go through bags and bins, and clear out. I haven’t even driven the Prius yet. I put all the music CD’s (in maybe 6 or 7 bags from the Ford) into a big plastic bin and put the bin into the trunk of the Prius. Then I found more CD’s, and decided the bin takes up too much trunk space, so I carted the bin back into the house. I went through some of the CD’s and created a compilation book of CD’s, using a book with plastic CD holders I found in the dump.(And, yes, I know, no one uses CD’s anymore; they all have iTunes downloaded onto MP3 players.) I removed mountains of coins from the Ford, and I am using the change to buy my morning coffee. I still have a lot to throw out and organize.

Meanwhile, I am (very slowly) clearing out the computer room (the back bedroom on the second floor) as well as a closet in Matt’s old room (loaded with carefully marked bins holding shoes and sweaters). I have been to Goodwill with donations twice this week.

The feeling I got from this morning’s dream was acceptance with sadness. I no longer need the things I so intensely once needed, saved and preserved. And while I once gave great value to possessions I obtained for myself, my husband and my children, I no longer need many of those possessions. It’s blank-slate, holy open-space time. It’s saving on energy and travelling light.

Charmin' Charlie

At the gracious invitation of my cousin Kevin and my sister Libby, I drove up to Providence last week for the wake and funeral of my Aunt Jane’s husband, Uncle Charlie. (Chah-lee, as they pronounce it in Rhode Island.)

I met Charlie Donoghue only once, at Libby’s house to celebrate Aunt Jane’s late January birthday maybe three years ago. He already was living in an extended-care facility, and he was quiet. Not the Charlie of old times, my family said.

The Charlie of old--the ever-smiling working-class son of Irish immigrant parents --had movie-star good looks and the charisma of a Kennedy. He was a Providence firefighter and a Navy veteran who served on the battleship U.S.S. Boston in World War II. He was also a member of the Jewish Brotherhood: He had done maintenance work for a local synagogue, and, true to form, became part of their social scene.

Everyone knew him as “Charmin’ Charlie.” (Chah-min Chah-lee.)

His sons Kevin (also a Providence firefighter) and Michael eulogized Charlie as the kind of guy who, when he went out to eat in a restaurant, would head into the kitchen to meet and greet the kitchen staff.

“He loved people who worked with their hands,” said Michael, a college professor. “Cooks and carpenters, roofers and repairmen. He wanted to see how the work was done.”

Michael recalled that, in the middle of a storm that caused a power outage in Providence, Charlie went out to the utility workers getting ready to climb a pole. He carried a bottle of Seagram’s V.O. Canadian whiskey and a stack of plastic cups. He gave them each a shot before they went up the pole.

“When I was small, I asked him once what VO meant,” Michael said. “He told me, ‘Very often.’ ”

Michael said Charlie was motivated by three principles:Loyalty, equality and fraternity.

“Today, a lot of parents tell their kids they are special,” said Michael. “My father drilled into us that we were NOT special, that we were no better than – and just as good as— everyone else. He believed to his core that everybody was equal.”

Although I met him only once, I felt a connection to Uncle Charlie. When my unmarried 21-year-old mother Ann found out she was pregnant in the spring of 1952, the first person she told was Charlie’s mother, (Ann’s sister’s mother-in-law) Sarah. They called her “Saintly Sarah” because she was kind and comforting.

“My mother was really a social worker without the certification,” said Charlie’s sister Alice. “She fed homeless people passing through Providence during the Great Depression. I think they left a mark on the house to let others know they could get fed if they knocked on the door. My mother and father lived on a main road, and I think her fantasy was that a Greyhound Bus would break down, and she would usher all the passengers into her kitchen and put the tea on.”

I also felt a connection to Charlie because he and my Aunt Jane visited my mother at the unwed mothers’ home in Massachusetts after their wedding. Charlie was one of the few people who knew my mother’s secret. He kept the secret for a half-century, even after my mother Ann died in 2000.
My mother’s son Peter found me on the Internet in 2004, and the lost offspring was out of the bag.

Charlie’s funeral repast was held at Ladder 133 Bar & Grill, the building which, in 1946, housed the ladder company at which Charlie had begun his fire-fighting career. A couple of my sisters said that Charlie’s sister Alice might know something about who my biological father was. So my brother Terry, my brother-in-law Donnie and I headed to the room behind the bar to ask Alice what she knew.

Alice said she didn’t know much. My mother’s official story had been that a stranger at a house party in Boston put a mickey in her drink and took advantage of her when she was unconscious.

Alice told us:“Once, Charlie let slip that Ann might have known him. But later Charlie said that wasn’t so.”

My sister Margaret’s husband, Donnie, a marriage and family therapist, chimed in.

“I also have adoption in my family,” said Don. “My grandmother was adopted. Her name was Mulvey, and one of Jim’s aunts married a Mulvey. A lot of coincidences.”

Soon, it was just Alice and I chatting. I asked her where in Ireland her parents had come from.

“My father was from Cavan,” said Alice. “My mother was from a small town in Leitrim, Ballinamore.”

As she was saying Leitrim, I was thinking, “Couldn’t be Ballinamore.”
My husband’s father James McAweeny (as the family name was spelled in the 1901 and 1911 Irish Census) was from Ballinamore.

My third connection to Charlie:We both had close relatives from Ballinamore. His mother. My father-in-law.

“That is spooky,” I told Alice. “My husband Jim’s father was born and grew up in Ballinamore. My husband’s first cousins still live there.”

When I got back home to New Jersey, I went looking for “Saintly Sarah” on ancestry.com. I found Sarah Wynne (her age listed as 18) on the passenger list of the ship “Arabic” which departed from Queenstown, Ireland on April 24, 1912 and arrived in Boston on May 2, 1912. Her neighborhood or village was listed as Drumaney or Drumraine in Ballinamore; her closest relative was listed as her father John. Her ultimate destination was listed as Providence. Charlie’s sister Alice had said Sarah was going to go on the Titanic, but the ticket agent told her father she would be better off going on this ship because there was another girl from the next village going on the Arabic and it would give Sarah company on the voyage.

There were actually three other girls from Ballinamore heading to Providence on the boat: Sisters Mary Kate(21) and Lizzie Agnes (17) Smyth from the Drumaney neighborhood of Ballinamore . Their father was listed as Thomas Smyth. And then there was Mary Anne Mulvey, whose closest relative was her mother, Mrs. Mulvey and who was from Corrabeher in Ballinamore. (The 1911 Irish Census says Mary Anne lived in Corrabeegher with her widowed mother and two younger brothers.) Yet another Mulvey heard from.
As Donnie said, a lot of coincidences.

The next day, I woke up and recognized my fourth connection to Uncle Charlie. Aunt Jane said that when my mother revealed her pregnancy to her and their mother, Aunt Jane –who was set to be married two months before my birth – offered to adopt me. My mother chose to have me adopted out of family and out of state.

But, had Aunt Jane adopted me, I would have been a Donoghue, and Charlie would have been my father.