At the gracious invitation of my cousin Kevin and my sister Libby, I drove up to Providence last week for the wake and funeral of my Aunt Jane’s husband, Uncle Charlie. (Chah-lee, as they pronounce it in Rhode Island.)
I met Charlie Donoghue only once, at Libby’s house to celebrate Aunt Jane’s late January birthday maybe three years ago. He already was living in an extended-care facility, and he was quiet. Not the Charlie of old times, my family said.
The Charlie of old--the ever-smiling working-class son of Irish immigrant parents --had movie-star good looks and the charisma of a Kennedy. He was a Providence firefighter and a Navy veteran who served on the battleship U.S.S. Boston in World War II. He was also a member of the Jewish Brotherhood: He had done maintenance work for a local synagogue, and, true to form, became part of their social scene.
Everyone knew him as “Charmin’ Charlie.” (Chah-min Chah-lee.)
His sons Kevin (also a Providence firefighter) and Michael eulogized Charlie as the kind of guy who, when he went out to eat in a restaurant, would head into the kitchen to meet and greet the kitchen staff.
“He loved people who worked with their hands,” said Michael, a college professor. “Cooks and carpenters, roofers and repairmen. He wanted to see how the work was done.”
Michael recalled that, in the middle of a storm that caused a power outage in Providence, Charlie went out to the utility workers getting ready to climb a pole. He carried a bottle of Seagram’s V.O. Canadian whiskey and a stack of plastic cups. He gave them each a shot before they went up the pole.
“When I was small, I asked him once what VO meant,” Michael said. “He told me, ‘Very often.’ ”
Michael said Charlie was motivated by three principles:Loyalty, equality and fraternity.
“Today, a lot of parents tell their kids they are special,” said Michael. “My father drilled into us that we were NOT special, that we were no better than – and just as good as— everyone else. He believed to his core that everybody was equal.”
Although I met him only once, I felt a connection to Uncle Charlie. When my unmarried 21-year-old mother Ann found out she was pregnant in the spring of 1952, the first person she told was Charlie’s mother, (Ann’s sister’s mother-in-law) Sarah. They called her “Saintly Sarah” because she was kind and comforting.
“My mother was really a social worker without the certification,” said Charlie’s sister Alice. “She fed homeless people passing through Providence during the Great Depression. I think they left a mark on the house to let others know they could get fed if they knocked on the door. My mother and father lived on a main road, and I think her fantasy was that a Greyhound Bus would break down, and she would usher all the passengers into her kitchen and put the tea on.”
I also felt a connection to Charlie because he and my Aunt Jane visited my mother at the unwed mothers’ home in Massachusetts after their wedding. Charlie was one of the few people who knew my mother’s secret. He kept the secret for a half-century, even after my mother Ann died in 2000.
My mother’s son Peter found me on the Internet in 2004, and the lost offspring was out of the bag.
Charlie’s funeral repast was held at Ladder 133 Bar & Grill, the building which, in 1946, housed the ladder company at which Charlie had begun his fire-fighting career. A couple of my sisters said that Charlie’s sister Alice might know something about who my biological father was. So my brother Terry, my brother-in-law Donnie and I headed to the room behind the bar to ask Alice what she knew.
Alice said she didn’t know much. My mother’s official story had been that a stranger at a house party in Boston put a mickey in her drink and took advantage of her when she was unconscious.
Alice told us:“Once, Charlie let slip that Ann might have known him. But later Charlie said that wasn’t so.”
My sister Margaret’s husband, Donnie, a marriage and family therapist, chimed in.
“I also have adoption in my family,” said Don. “My grandmother was adopted. Her name was Mulvey, and one of Jim’s aunts married a Mulvey. A lot of coincidences.”
Soon, it was just Alice and I chatting. I asked her where in Ireland her parents had come from.
“My father was from Cavan,” said Alice. “My mother was from a small town in Leitrim, Ballinamore.”
As she was saying Leitrim, I was thinking, “Couldn’t be Ballinamore.”
My husband’s father James McAweeny (as the family name was spelled in the 1901 and 1911 Irish Census) was from Ballinamore.
My third connection to Charlie:We both had close relatives from Ballinamore. His mother. My father-in-law.
“That is spooky,” I told Alice. “My husband Jim’s father was born and grew up in Ballinamore. My husband’s first cousins still live there.”
When I got back home to New Jersey, I went looking for “Saintly Sarah” on ancestry.com. I found Sarah Wynne (her age listed as 18) on the passenger list of the ship “Arabic” which departed from Queenstown, Ireland on April 24, 1912 and arrived in Boston on May 2, 1912. Her neighborhood or village was listed as Drumaney or Drumraine in Ballinamore; her closest relative was listed as her father John. Her ultimate destination was listed as Providence. Charlie’s sister Alice had said Sarah was going to go on the Titanic, but the ticket agent told her father she would be better off going on this ship because there was another girl from the next village going on the Arabic and it would give Sarah company on the voyage.
There were actually three other girls from Ballinamore heading to Providence on the boat: Sisters Mary Kate(21) and Lizzie Agnes (17) Smyth from the Drumaney neighborhood of Ballinamore . Their father was listed as Thomas Smyth. And then there was Mary Anne Mulvey, whose closest relative was her mother, Mrs. Mulvey and who was from Corrabeher in Ballinamore. (The 1911 Irish Census says Mary Anne lived in Corrabeegher with her widowed mother and two younger brothers.) Yet another Mulvey heard from.
As Donnie said, a lot of coincidences.
The next day, I woke up and recognized my fourth connection to Uncle Charlie. Aunt Jane said that when my mother revealed her pregnancy to her and their mother, Aunt Jane –who was set to be married two months before my birth – offered to adopt me. My mother chose to have me adopted out of family and out of state.
But, had Aunt Jane adopted me, I would have been a Donoghue, and Charlie would have been my father.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Great House-Hunt
This winter’s mild weather conjures up reminiscences of the “Great House-Hunt” in last winter’s miserable ice and snow.
My oldest son Matt and my new daughter-in-law Melany started looking for a house a year ago February, just a month past their New Year’s Eve wedding. Two years ago, Melany moved into the Edgewater co-op apartment Matt bought in July of 2008. It’s a beautiful little nest with views of the Hudson, but it was much too long of a commute to her teaching job in a Morris County middle school. So, once they recovered from their wedding and sent out the thank-you notes, they started house-hunting for a place midway between her job and his job in Newark. Since I have an interest in real estate and have written about real estate topics for the past couple of years, I volunteered to go along with them.
We started with open houses in Morris County. The very first place we looked at that sunny but cold Sunday early in February was a tiny Denville Cape, maybe 50 to 60 years old. Pretty much vacant, it looked like an estate that the heirs had upgraded with nice neutral paint colors, refurbished wood floors, and new countertops, tiled backsplash and new gas stove in the kitchen. The dining area – punctuated by big, bright windows – looked as if it had been the back porch in its earlier incarnation. The living room – the room you immediately stepped into when you passed through the closet-size front vestibule – was dominated by a beautiful fieldstone fireplace, but the room itself was tiny. Matt said he couldn’t fit his new sectional sofa in the room. (This became his rallying cry for dismissing certain houses as we went along: “Couldn’t fit my sofa in here.”) There were 3 tiny bedrooms, one of which had a staircase to a carpeted loft, a very odd configuration.
The backyard bordered the river, and I could imagine flooding and the need for flood insurance. Right beyond the river, separated by a fence, was a highway. The home’s price: $282,500.
It looked to me like a “starter house”: A house you could live in until your first child started to walk and maybe you were pregnant with your second. (Matt was very clear about the need to have his own “man-cave” and/or home office, and the third bedroom might have to take on that role.) And it seemed like a lot of trouble to get a mortgage for a starter house, go through closing and settle in, just to have to do it all over again in a few years.
We looked at a house with a first-floor master bedroom sheathed in dark knotty-pine: it was like going into a batcave. And another house with 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, a finished, usable basement (read “man-cave”), a kitchen with a beautiful enormous center island of light marble, two-wood-burning fireplaces and a 3-season room with sliders to the deck and in-ground pool on 1.75 acres. Price:$439,900. But many parts of the house seemed tired. (Note to sellers:Many of you have gotten the message to de-clutter, repaint rooms in neutral colors, upgrade the kitchen, and get the oil tank out of the ground. Kudos. But those window treatments in teal and coral that you paid good money for in the ’80s look dated today. Bare windows are timeless.)
We ended up at a very interesting home in Randolph opposite a Little League field. Nice new kitchen and nice flow to the dining room. Two bedrooms and a bath downstairs and three bedrooms upstairs. Master bedroom had a Palladian window and cathedral ceiling. Master bath had a skylight. And a third full bath upstairs. On more than an acre. Price $429,000.The real estate agent said the owner was back living in her native Croatia.
But, as the agent pointed out, there was no interior access to the basement except through a hole in the floor of the mudroom. There was no deck or patio and no garage. The agent asked what Matt and Melany did for a living, and when Mel said she was a music teacher, the agent said that she had been a substitute teacher.
We struggled our way back over the ice-and-snow-encrusted driveway. As we were plugging the next open-house address into the GPS, we saw the real estate agent running along the treacherous driveway in her heels. She was coatless. She stood midway on the driveway and looked around.
I lowered my window and asked, “Are you looking for us?”
She said, “I could drive you around to some houses. I’ve got my lock box key.”
“But don’t you have to finish your open house?” I asked.
“I’ll close early,” she said. “What kind of house are your son and his wife interested in?”
“Well, they liked this house,” I said.
“They do?” She seemed utterly surprised. “Really?”
“It’s nice and it’s updated and they liked the two rooms that could be offices on the first floor,” I said.
“You could come back at 4 pm when the open house is over, and I’ll take you to some more houses,” she said.
“I don’t think that will work out for us today,” I said. “But we’ll call you to set something up next week.”
I told Matt and Melany she would probably be a good real estate agent for them because she seemed anxious and would do a lot of research and she seemed rather guileless so she would be less likely to lie.
Melany said she seemed like a classic substitute teacher:No class of her own, no curriculum of her own, and relying on the vagaries of others’ schedules. I guess that can make for a good real estate agent.
The following Saturday, we meet Realtor Diane for a tour of homes in the Randolph-Roxbury area. I had suggested that Matt and Melany get themselves pre-qualified for a mortgage, so they had an idea of how much they could spend. Armed with the pre-qualification and a good-sized down payment, they were looking at houses in the $400,000 to $450,000 range. The mortgage broker said they could afford more, but they felt it would be better to look in a lower range and –as Suze Orman recommends—live below their means. Anyway, taxes on houses in the $400,000 to $450,000 range seemed to be about $12,000 a year, which, as I pointed out to them, meant another $1,000 a month on top of the mortgage payment.
Over three or four different weekend days, we looked at houses in Roxbury, Randolph and Succasunna in Morris County and then moved out to Byram and Sparta in Sussex County. We found that the farther west you go, the more house (and the newer house) you get for the money. (And clearly, we weren’t looking at the priciest houses in places like Chatham and Mendham.) We saw one house with a beautiful new kitchen but the rest of the house was unrenovated. We saw another house from the 1970’s with the most exquisite great room –soaring stone fireplace surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows, but the rest of the house was sad and insubstantial. “If only you could just live in the great room,” my son Matt said. Melany rolled her eyes.
A couple of houses were up steep hills. This gave the homes commanding birds'-eye views, but with snow on the ground, the driveways were extremely treacherous. Our Realtor Diane called one listing agent as we sat at the foot of a hill upon which stood a house for sale.
“How do we get in?” Diane asked. “The driveway is not plowed.”
“It is plowed,” the listing agent insisted. “My husband was just there this morning.”
But alas, it was not plowed. (We’d seen a couple of unplowed driveways, which meant the sellers had moved out or the bank owned the house, or both.) My son and Realtor Diane said they would try to climb the steep, unplowed driveway on foot. Melany and her mother and I decided to stay in the car. We watched as first Diane and then Matt slipped and fell. They slid back down and announced it wasn’t worth it.
Another extremely beautiful house had its front door on one street and its back door and driveway up a hill from another street. From the pictures on the Internet, we couldn’t believe this 3500-square-foot house –priced at $450,000-- hadn’t been snapped up. But when we got to the home’s driveway, we saw a sheer 45 degree slope and a narrow passageway shoveled clean, with mountains of snow on either side.
“Oh, I don’t think you should drive up that driveway, Diane,” I said to the Realtor. “You’ll never get back down.”
But Diane was nothing if not intrepid. Reckless even. She gunned her engine, and smacking this way and that against the piled snow like a pinball, the car achieved the top of the drive.
It was a beautiful 12-room house on 3 levels, with intricate moldings, beautiful flow of space, great lake views, soup on the stove in the modern kitchen, and a fire crackling in the fireplace in the bright family room. Four bedrooms, 3.5 baths, office, study, 5 skylights, and Palladian windows.
“This is my dream house, ‘ said the thirty-something woman owner. “My husband’s in artificial turf, and his company transferred him to the Midwest. He’s out there already. I hate to sell.”
“But don’t you get stuck up here when it snows?” I asked.
“Nah,” she said, flexing well-developed biceps in her tank top. “It’s easy to go out and shovel.”
As we got back into the car, Melany said, “No way we’re buying this house. My family could never make it up the driveway.”
And we backed our way down the drive, smacking and getting stuck in piles of snow on the way out.
Just a little while later, we were backing out of another driveway, and we heard a dragging sound, as though Diane’s car were towing a downed mailbox, or, even worse, a lifeless body. Matt got out of the car, and discovered Diane’s front fender was dangling by a sliver of metal, probably as a result of the dust-up with Mrs. Tank Top’s driveway. Diane ripped off the fender and tossed it in her trunk.
We saw another beautiful house that Matt and Melany would certainly have considered, but the house was located just yards from massive overhead power lines.
House-hunting is really like a sociological investigation or a reality show. Either you’re told something about the seller’s motivation and circumstances, or the house tells you. We were in one house –half renovated, half not -- where the dad’s police uniform was hanging on a drying rack in the kitchen. The kids’ rooms were cheerily painted (baseball stripes on the walls of the son’s room), but the master bedroom looked uncared-for. Probably a divorce.
We visited another home where the wife had raised her family, divorced, and married a new love. She and the new love decided to chuck North Jersey and move to Puerto Rico. That was a very romantic and adventurous motive for selling.
We saw a number of short sales, homes for sale for lower than what the seller owed on the mortgage. I advised Matt and Melany to avoid those houses, because I had done a number of stories on buyers who waited months for the seller’s bank to approve the short sale. Also, with a short sale, you buy a home as-is, with no negotiating to repair defects in the home.
On a Friday afternoon before Matt and Mel went on a weekend vacation, Matt and I looked at more houses while Melany finished her school day. Matt found their house.
Located in a neighborhood of executive-style homes in Sparta, the 4-bedroom, 2.5 bath house, built in 1993, sold for $635,000 in July of 2005, and $438,500 in September of 2000. It was listed at $450,000.
It had beautiful floor-to ceiling windows in the kitchen and family room overlooking a woodsy, rock-terraced and landscaped backyard.(Deer routinely visit the home's acre of land, to look in the windows and gaze at the humans inside.) The kitchen probably had the nicest layout of any kitchen we’d seen. The first floor also held a dining room, living room, office, family room and half-bath next to the two-car garage.
The entryway was the typical two-story-with-chandelier space and a curving stairway leading to the second floor. The master bedroom had a big bathroom renovated in about 2008, done in rough-cut tan stone and brown tile. The family room had a two-story brick fireplace and a staircase running up the side wall to the second floor. Matt’s sofa would definitely fit in the family room.
And, best of all from Matt’s point of view, there was a nicely finished basement that could serve as man-cave.
We parted, and Matt went to fetch Melany for their weekend vacation. Once I was home, I called him while they were still on the road. They had seen on a mobile app what I saw on my laptop: The Internet listing proclaimed it was a short sale. Which Realtor Diane had never mentioned.
But the listing said the bank could grant approval for the short sale within 48 hours, because the loan was owned by a community bank that had never sold the loan to investors.
Melany and her mother toured the house the following week. Matt and Mel decided to bid, offering slightly below the home’s selling price in September of 2000.
It took the seller’s bank a week to decide to approve the short sale. But, all in all, it wasn’t long. Matt and Melany learned a lot about home maintenance from the home inspector. They moved in at the end of April.
There is some sadness in a short sale. This was somebody else’s dream home and clearly they lavished a lot of money on renovating the master bath. The sellers were also divorcing. It was the demise of a number of dreams. Matt and Melany think they’ve seen the sellers drive by the house on occasion, perhaps pining for their lost reality.
But Matt and Melany are enjoying developing new routines together in a new home and new area. Melany bought a baby grand piano so she can give private piano lessons at home. They’ve bought a lot of gym equipment for the finished basement, so they can exercise at home. This summer, I bought Matt a sit-down mower for his 29th birthday. The little boy who obsessed over various childhood geegaws now obsesses over the patterns he mows in his grass.
They are also refinancing the mortgage, because interest rates are even lower than when they first closed on the house. They’ll save a point of interest, and a couple of hundred dollars a month.
I just checked on the status of Mrs. Tank Top’s home, the beautiful 3-story Roxbury home up the killer hill. The house, which was listed at $450,000 when we saw it a year ago, finally sold for $369,000 on January 19 of this year. Maybe the mild winter sealed the deal.
My oldest son Matt and my new daughter-in-law Melany started looking for a house a year ago February, just a month past their New Year’s Eve wedding. Two years ago, Melany moved into the Edgewater co-op apartment Matt bought in July of 2008. It’s a beautiful little nest with views of the Hudson, but it was much too long of a commute to her teaching job in a Morris County middle school. So, once they recovered from their wedding and sent out the thank-you notes, they started house-hunting for a place midway between her job and his job in Newark. Since I have an interest in real estate and have written about real estate topics for the past couple of years, I volunteered to go along with them.
We started with open houses in Morris County. The very first place we looked at that sunny but cold Sunday early in February was a tiny Denville Cape, maybe 50 to 60 years old. Pretty much vacant, it looked like an estate that the heirs had upgraded with nice neutral paint colors, refurbished wood floors, and new countertops, tiled backsplash and new gas stove in the kitchen. The dining area – punctuated by big, bright windows – looked as if it had been the back porch in its earlier incarnation. The living room – the room you immediately stepped into when you passed through the closet-size front vestibule – was dominated by a beautiful fieldstone fireplace, but the room itself was tiny. Matt said he couldn’t fit his new sectional sofa in the room. (This became his rallying cry for dismissing certain houses as we went along: “Couldn’t fit my sofa in here.”) There were 3 tiny bedrooms, one of which had a staircase to a carpeted loft, a very odd configuration.
The backyard bordered the river, and I could imagine flooding and the need for flood insurance. Right beyond the river, separated by a fence, was a highway. The home’s price: $282,500.
It looked to me like a “starter house”: A house you could live in until your first child started to walk and maybe you were pregnant with your second. (Matt was very clear about the need to have his own “man-cave” and/or home office, and the third bedroom might have to take on that role.) And it seemed like a lot of trouble to get a mortgage for a starter house, go through closing and settle in, just to have to do it all over again in a few years.
We looked at a house with a first-floor master bedroom sheathed in dark knotty-pine: it was like going into a batcave. And another house with 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, a finished, usable basement (read “man-cave”), a kitchen with a beautiful enormous center island of light marble, two-wood-burning fireplaces and a 3-season room with sliders to the deck and in-ground pool on 1.75 acres. Price:$439,900. But many parts of the house seemed tired. (Note to sellers:Many of you have gotten the message to de-clutter, repaint rooms in neutral colors, upgrade the kitchen, and get the oil tank out of the ground. Kudos. But those window treatments in teal and coral that you paid good money for in the ’80s look dated today. Bare windows are timeless.)
We ended up at a very interesting home in Randolph opposite a Little League field. Nice new kitchen and nice flow to the dining room. Two bedrooms and a bath downstairs and three bedrooms upstairs. Master bedroom had a Palladian window and cathedral ceiling. Master bath had a skylight. And a third full bath upstairs. On more than an acre. Price $429,000.The real estate agent said the owner was back living in her native Croatia.
But, as the agent pointed out, there was no interior access to the basement except through a hole in the floor of the mudroom. There was no deck or patio and no garage. The agent asked what Matt and Melany did for a living, and when Mel said she was a music teacher, the agent said that she had been a substitute teacher.
We struggled our way back over the ice-and-snow-encrusted driveway. As we were plugging the next open-house address into the GPS, we saw the real estate agent running along the treacherous driveway in her heels. She was coatless. She stood midway on the driveway and looked around.
I lowered my window and asked, “Are you looking for us?”
She said, “I could drive you around to some houses. I’ve got my lock box key.”
“But don’t you have to finish your open house?” I asked.
“I’ll close early,” she said. “What kind of house are your son and his wife interested in?”
“Well, they liked this house,” I said.
“They do?” She seemed utterly surprised. “Really?”
“It’s nice and it’s updated and they liked the two rooms that could be offices on the first floor,” I said.
“You could come back at 4 pm when the open house is over, and I’ll take you to some more houses,” she said.
“I don’t think that will work out for us today,” I said. “But we’ll call you to set something up next week.”
I told Matt and Melany she would probably be a good real estate agent for them because she seemed anxious and would do a lot of research and she seemed rather guileless so she would be less likely to lie.
Melany said she seemed like a classic substitute teacher:No class of her own, no curriculum of her own, and relying on the vagaries of others’ schedules. I guess that can make for a good real estate agent.
The following Saturday, we meet Realtor Diane for a tour of homes in the Randolph-Roxbury area. I had suggested that Matt and Melany get themselves pre-qualified for a mortgage, so they had an idea of how much they could spend. Armed with the pre-qualification and a good-sized down payment, they were looking at houses in the $400,000 to $450,000 range. The mortgage broker said they could afford more, but they felt it would be better to look in a lower range and –as Suze Orman recommends—live below their means. Anyway, taxes on houses in the $400,000 to $450,000 range seemed to be about $12,000 a year, which, as I pointed out to them, meant another $1,000 a month on top of the mortgage payment.
Over three or four different weekend days, we looked at houses in Roxbury, Randolph and Succasunna in Morris County and then moved out to Byram and Sparta in Sussex County. We found that the farther west you go, the more house (and the newer house) you get for the money. (And clearly, we weren’t looking at the priciest houses in places like Chatham and Mendham.) We saw one house with a beautiful new kitchen but the rest of the house was unrenovated. We saw another house from the 1970’s with the most exquisite great room –soaring stone fireplace surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows, but the rest of the house was sad and insubstantial. “If only you could just live in the great room,” my son Matt said. Melany rolled her eyes.
A couple of houses were up steep hills. This gave the homes commanding birds'-eye views, but with snow on the ground, the driveways were extremely treacherous. Our Realtor Diane called one listing agent as we sat at the foot of a hill upon which stood a house for sale.
“How do we get in?” Diane asked. “The driveway is not plowed.”
“It is plowed,” the listing agent insisted. “My husband was just there this morning.”
But alas, it was not plowed. (We’d seen a couple of unplowed driveways, which meant the sellers had moved out or the bank owned the house, or both.) My son and Realtor Diane said they would try to climb the steep, unplowed driveway on foot. Melany and her mother and I decided to stay in the car. We watched as first Diane and then Matt slipped and fell. They slid back down and announced it wasn’t worth it.
Another extremely beautiful house had its front door on one street and its back door and driveway up a hill from another street. From the pictures on the Internet, we couldn’t believe this 3500-square-foot house –priced at $450,000-- hadn’t been snapped up. But when we got to the home’s driveway, we saw a sheer 45 degree slope and a narrow passageway shoveled clean, with mountains of snow on either side.
“Oh, I don’t think you should drive up that driveway, Diane,” I said to the Realtor. “You’ll never get back down.”
But Diane was nothing if not intrepid. Reckless even. She gunned her engine, and smacking this way and that against the piled snow like a pinball, the car achieved the top of the drive.
It was a beautiful 12-room house on 3 levels, with intricate moldings, beautiful flow of space, great lake views, soup on the stove in the modern kitchen, and a fire crackling in the fireplace in the bright family room. Four bedrooms, 3.5 baths, office, study, 5 skylights, and Palladian windows.
“This is my dream house, ‘ said the thirty-something woman owner. “My husband’s in artificial turf, and his company transferred him to the Midwest. He’s out there already. I hate to sell.”
“But don’t you get stuck up here when it snows?” I asked.
“Nah,” she said, flexing well-developed biceps in her tank top. “It’s easy to go out and shovel.”
As we got back into the car, Melany said, “No way we’re buying this house. My family could never make it up the driveway.”
And we backed our way down the drive, smacking and getting stuck in piles of snow on the way out.
Just a little while later, we were backing out of another driveway, and we heard a dragging sound, as though Diane’s car were towing a downed mailbox, or, even worse, a lifeless body. Matt got out of the car, and discovered Diane’s front fender was dangling by a sliver of metal, probably as a result of the dust-up with Mrs. Tank Top’s driveway. Diane ripped off the fender and tossed it in her trunk.
We saw another beautiful house that Matt and Melany would certainly have considered, but the house was located just yards from massive overhead power lines.
House-hunting is really like a sociological investigation or a reality show. Either you’re told something about the seller’s motivation and circumstances, or the house tells you. We were in one house –half renovated, half not -- where the dad’s police uniform was hanging on a drying rack in the kitchen. The kids’ rooms were cheerily painted (baseball stripes on the walls of the son’s room), but the master bedroom looked uncared-for. Probably a divorce.
We visited another home where the wife had raised her family, divorced, and married a new love. She and the new love decided to chuck North Jersey and move to Puerto Rico. That was a very romantic and adventurous motive for selling.
We saw a number of short sales, homes for sale for lower than what the seller owed on the mortgage. I advised Matt and Melany to avoid those houses, because I had done a number of stories on buyers who waited months for the seller’s bank to approve the short sale. Also, with a short sale, you buy a home as-is, with no negotiating to repair defects in the home.
On a Friday afternoon before Matt and Mel went on a weekend vacation, Matt and I looked at more houses while Melany finished her school day. Matt found their house.
Located in a neighborhood of executive-style homes in Sparta, the 4-bedroom, 2.5 bath house, built in 1993, sold for $635,000 in July of 2005, and $438,500 in September of 2000. It was listed at $450,000.
It had beautiful floor-to ceiling windows in the kitchen and family room overlooking a woodsy, rock-terraced and landscaped backyard.(Deer routinely visit the home's acre of land, to look in the windows and gaze at the humans inside.) The kitchen probably had the nicest layout of any kitchen we’d seen. The first floor also held a dining room, living room, office, family room and half-bath next to the two-car garage.
The entryway was the typical two-story-with-chandelier space and a curving stairway leading to the second floor. The master bedroom had a big bathroom renovated in about 2008, done in rough-cut tan stone and brown tile. The family room had a two-story brick fireplace and a staircase running up the side wall to the second floor. Matt’s sofa would definitely fit in the family room.
And, best of all from Matt’s point of view, there was a nicely finished basement that could serve as man-cave.
We parted, and Matt went to fetch Melany for their weekend vacation. Once I was home, I called him while they were still on the road. They had seen on a mobile app what I saw on my laptop: The Internet listing proclaimed it was a short sale. Which Realtor Diane had never mentioned.
But the listing said the bank could grant approval for the short sale within 48 hours, because the loan was owned by a community bank that had never sold the loan to investors.
Melany and her mother toured the house the following week. Matt and Mel decided to bid, offering slightly below the home’s selling price in September of 2000.
It took the seller’s bank a week to decide to approve the short sale. But, all in all, it wasn’t long. Matt and Melany learned a lot about home maintenance from the home inspector. They moved in at the end of April.
There is some sadness in a short sale. This was somebody else’s dream home and clearly they lavished a lot of money on renovating the master bath. The sellers were also divorcing. It was the demise of a number of dreams. Matt and Melany think they’ve seen the sellers drive by the house on occasion, perhaps pining for their lost reality.
But Matt and Melany are enjoying developing new routines together in a new home and new area. Melany bought a baby grand piano so she can give private piano lessons at home. They’ve bought a lot of gym equipment for the finished basement, so they can exercise at home. This summer, I bought Matt a sit-down mower for his 29th birthday. The little boy who obsessed over various childhood geegaws now obsesses over the patterns he mows in his grass.
They are also refinancing the mortgage, because interest rates are even lower than when they first closed on the house. They’ll save a point of interest, and a couple of hundred dollars a month.
I just checked on the status of Mrs. Tank Top’s home, the beautiful 3-story Roxbury home up the killer hill. The house, which was listed at $450,000 when we saw it a year ago, finally sold for $369,000 on January 19 of this year. Maybe the mild winter sealed the deal.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Aunt Peggy and Uncle Whitey
February 1,2012: I called my Aunt Peggy today for her 88th birthday. I sent her a card a few days earlier. But I made a commitment to myself to call her, because it is something my sister Nora would have done. Nora died October 29 of complications of ovarian cancer. I would always say to Nora, “Aunt Peggy left me a message. Would you call her back?” Aunt Peggy is a big talker, and Nora had more patience than I.
My Aunt Peggy is the last of my mother’s sisters, the last of the whole family really. My mom. Aunt Helen, Auntie Ann, Uncle Mike and Uncle Pat are all gone now.
I loved my mother’s family. I know that Mom – when she was around 20 or 21—would bring home whiskey and deli meats on Friday night to their tenement home on East 96th Street in Manhattan to “make a party.” I hear my mom’s words in my head, “Let’s make a party.” It’s a testament to her optimism and to her love of family.
My mother especially loved her mother and her baby sister Ann. I have letters she sent Ann when Mom was first married and in the Coast Guard with Dad during and right after World War II. She clearly loved her baby sister—who was around 14 years younger—and gave her lots of fashion advice.
Mom’s relationship with Aunt Peggy..who was 2 years younger than Mom..was more complicated. She thought Aunt Peggy was a hypochondriac, always complaining about imaginary ills. (But I would have to ask my Mom in heaven, “Who is still alive at age 88?")
And Aunt Peggy is still very clear in her thinking. My mother died of Alzheimer’s, but Aunt Peggy knows the name of the new place where she has moved, and she know what state my husband was visiting when I spoke to her a month ago. Bravo for you, Aunt Peggy.
My Aunt Peggy lived a half-block from our old home in Bergenfield, NJ before we moved when I was age 6. (We moved a couple of blocks east, closer to Tenafly, in 1959 or 1960, I think.) I remember Aunt Peggy making me incredibly smooth tuna fish salad in her blender when I stopped there for lunch when I was little. I remember exceptionally orderly built-in cabinets in her second-floor bedrooms built by Aunt Peggy’s Polish father-in-law. I remember my 2-year-younger brother Lou stopping at her house after he bolted from kindergarten, saying he had to help my mother hang diapers to dry.
My mother was uncomfortable with her sister Peggy. When we stayed overnight at Aunt Peggy’s house for some reason, my Mom remembered Peggy joking about all the little shoes in the mudroom. Mom had 6 children, Aunt Peggy two.
But Aunt Peggy is all we have left. And, blessedly, she still has her memory and some sense of perspective. Last year, I called her to put together a family tree and she remembered everything.
When I called her today, she said her husband had been through surgery overnight for blood clots in his legs. She calls him Uncle Walter. We called him Uncle Whitey for his very pale hair.
I, strangely enough, remember my Uncle Whitey when I was working in television in my mid-twenties. (That was 30 years ago.) I saw him in the subway in Manhattan joking with his friends. He was a printer for magazines then. He did not see me. I didn’t want to interrupt.
Aunt Peggy says the doctors say she has to agree to allow for amputations of his legs (because of blockages) or he will die. She doesn’t want to agree to amputations, too much for him to go through. She says, if we believe in prayer, we should pray for a speedy death. I remember Uncle Whitey in the subway, and know I shouldn’t interrupt. Prayer is what you do when there is nothing else to do. Prayer is powerful, and you do not control it.
My Aunt Peggy is the last of my mother’s sisters, the last of the whole family really. My mom. Aunt Helen, Auntie Ann, Uncle Mike and Uncle Pat are all gone now.
I loved my mother’s family. I know that Mom – when she was around 20 or 21—would bring home whiskey and deli meats on Friday night to their tenement home on East 96th Street in Manhattan to “make a party.” I hear my mom’s words in my head, “Let’s make a party.” It’s a testament to her optimism and to her love of family.
My mother especially loved her mother and her baby sister Ann. I have letters she sent Ann when Mom was first married and in the Coast Guard with Dad during and right after World War II. She clearly loved her baby sister—who was around 14 years younger—and gave her lots of fashion advice.
Mom’s relationship with Aunt Peggy..who was 2 years younger than Mom..was more complicated. She thought Aunt Peggy was a hypochondriac, always complaining about imaginary ills. (But I would have to ask my Mom in heaven, “Who is still alive at age 88?")
And Aunt Peggy is still very clear in her thinking. My mother died of Alzheimer’s, but Aunt Peggy knows the name of the new place where she has moved, and she know what state my husband was visiting when I spoke to her a month ago. Bravo for you, Aunt Peggy.
My Aunt Peggy lived a half-block from our old home in Bergenfield, NJ before we moved when I was age 6. (We moved a couple of blocks east, closer to Tenafly, in 1959 or 1960, I think.) I remember Aunt Peggy making me incredibly smooth tuna fish salad in her blender when I stopped there for lunch when I was little. I remember exceptionally orderly built-in cabinets in her second-floor bedrooms built by Aunt Peggy’s Polish father-in-law. I remember my 2-year-younger brother Lou stopping at her house after he bolted from kindergarten, saying he had to help my mother hang diapers to dry.
My mother was uncomfortable with her sister Peggy. When we stayed overnight at Aunt Peggy’s house for some reason, my Mom remembered Peggy joking about all the little shoes in the mudroom. Mom had 6 children, Aunt Peggy two.
But Aunt Peggy is all we have left. And, blessedly, she still has her memory and some sense of perspective. Last year, I called her to put together a family tree and she remembered everything.
When I called her today, she said her husband had been through surgery overnight for blood clots in his legs. She calls him Uncle Walter. We called him Uncle Whitey for his very pale hair.
I, strangely enough, remember my Uncle Whitey when I was working in television in my mid-twenties. (That was 30 years ago.) I saw him in the subway in Manhattan joking with his friends. He was a printer for magazines then. He did not see me. I didn’t want to interrupt.
Aunt Peggy says the doctors say she has to agree to allow for amputations of his legs (because of blockages) or he will die. She doesn’t want to agree to amputations, too much for him to go through. She says, if we believe in prayer, we should pray for a speedy death. I remember Uncle Whitey in the subway, and know I shouldn’t interrupt. Prayer is what you do when there is nothing else to do. Prayer is powerful, and you do not control it.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Newt and Asperger's
I read the most fascinating story in the NY Times, about Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House, and currently running for the Republican Presidential nomination, about his involvement with his 3 wives.
Gingrich, who went after former President Clinton for lying about his sexual hijinks with intern Monica Lewinsky, was—at that time –engaged in a six-year affair with an aide and cheating on his second wife, Marianne. Marianne was just interviewed on ABC, saying that Newt told her he wanted an “open marriage” that would allow him to be with both women. The aide became Gingrich’s third wife, Calista. (Newt’s first wife, by the way, was his high school geometry teacher, seven years his senior.)
Gingrich responded to Marianne’s recent interview, saying he never said any such thing to wife number two, and that he went after Clinton not for the sexual hijinks, but for lying under oath about the sexual hijinks. A too-fine distinction for the masses, perhaps. I think he went after Clinton because he was in position to do so: It was fun and it moved Newt’s chess piece along the board.
Gingrich was forced to leave the Speakership –and then resigned from Congress altogether —after allegations that he laundered charitable donations through his charitable foundation for his political action campaign fund, and that he had given the Ethics Committee inaccurate information. He was reprimanded and fined $300,000. Many saw it as payback for the vicious way he went after Democratic leaders.
Here’s the thing: I think Newt Gingrich has Asperger’s Syndrome, the mildest and highest-functioning form of autism. My first tip-off was when the NY Times story quoted from an interview Gingrich gave the Washington Post in 1989 in which he “estimated that the union [with his second wife Marianne] had a 53-47 shot of lasting.” This dispassionate application of mathematical odds to an emotional relationship is apparently typical of Asperger’s folks, according to the Asperger message boards.
Folks with Asperger’s can be brilliant, creative, out-of-the-box thinkers and strategists. They tend to be loners and can be cranky and abrupt ( rudely honest) but nonetheless can also be charming and are smart enough to pick up social skills by watching and mirroring other people’s behavior. I have been researching the syndrome for five or six months. Right now I am reading animal behaviorist Temple Grandin’s book “Thinking in Pictures: Life With Autism.”
Grandin says she indeed thinks in pictures and can see patterns more clearly and more quickly because the Asperger’s differently-wired brain isn’t slowed down by processing through the language center. Asperger folks tend to fixate on a couple of interests, issues, or goals. They know everything about what they are interested in, and persevere where a less fixated person might give up and move on to something less frustrating. Grandin believes Einstein; the philosopher Wittgenstein; the artist Vincent Van Gogh, and more recently, Microsoft chief Bill Gates have had Asperger’s. (I won’t say “suffered from” because many so-called Aspies are proud of their superior abilities and not that interested in deep interpersonal relationships. They are more turned inward to what they perceive as a rich interior life.)
Grandin says a person with Asperger’s has the best shot of developing a personal relationship with someone who has highly similar interests and maybe even Asperger's as well.
She writes:”I talked to one lady on the spectrum who met her husband at a science fiction book club. She writes technical manuals and he works in the computer industry. … Their idea of a wonderful romantic evening is to go to a really nice restaurant and talk about computer data storage systems.”
And perhaps that is why Gingrich turns his wives into unpaid advisors and sounding boards, making sure they are always with him, and that their prime interest is strategies for furthering Newt.
I think a member of my extended family has Asperger’s and that has motivated my research. My biggest question is: Can an Aspie really love you? My sense of Asperger folks is that they don’t have empathy because they can’t comprehend what other people are feeling. They have a hard enough time hearing other people and seeing other people’s facial expressions because they so easily experience sensory overload and can’t tune out extraneous stimuli the way “neurotypicals” can. So if a person can’t hear you, can’t see you and can’t “feel your pain,” can you have a mutually supportive, emotionally reciprocal relationship?
And, if Newt’s an Aspie (and even if he’s not), can he be an effective leader if he verbally beats adversaries to a pulp because he doesn’t “feel their pain?” and it seems like appropriate gamesmanship to him? He may have visionary policies and a sense of historical destiny, but can you lead a democracy if you are so detached from the feelings of the populace and so unwilling to acknowledge that your rivals have any redeeming qualities?
Gingrich, who went after former President Clinton for lying about his sexual hijinks with intern Monica Lewinsky, was—at that time –engaged in a six-year affair with an aide and cheating on his second wife, Marianne. Marianne was just interviewed on ABC, saying that Newt told her he wanted an “open marriage” that would allow him to be with both women. The aide became Gingrich’s third wife, Calista. (Newt’s first wife, by the way, was his high school geometry teacher, seven years his senior.)
Gingrich responded to Marianne’s recent interview, saying he never said any such thing to wife number two, and that he went after Clinton not for the sexual hijinks, but for lying under oath about the sexual hijinks. A too-fine distinction for the masses, perhaps. I think he went after Clinton because he was in position to do so: It was fun and it moved Newt’s chess piece along the board.
Gingrich was forced to leave the Speakership –and then resigned from Congress altogether —after allegations that he laundered charitable donations through his charitable foundation for his political action campaign fund, and that he had given the Ethics Committee inaccurate information. He was reprimanded and fined $300,000. Many saw it as payback for the vicious way he went after Democratic leaders.
Here’s the thing: I think Newt Gingrich has Asperger’s Syndrome, the mildest and highest-functioning form of autism. My first tip-off was when the NY Times story quoted from an interview Gingrich gave the Washington Post in 1989 in which he “estimated that the union [with his second wife Marianne] had a 53-47 shot of lasting.” This dispassionate application of mathematical odds to an emotional relationship is apparently typical of Asperger’s folks, according to the Asperger message boards.
Folks with Asperger’s can be brilliant, creative, out-of-the-box thinkers and strategists. They tend to be loners and can be cranky and abrupt ( rudely honest) but nonetheless can also be charming and are smart enough to pick up social skills by watching and mirroring other people’s behavior. I have been researching the syndrome for five or six months. Right now I am reading animal behaviorist Temple Grandin’s book “Thinking in Pictures: Life With Autism.”
Grandin says she indeed thinks in pictures and can see patterns more clearly and more quickly because the Asperger’s differently-wired brain isn’t slowed down by processing through the language center. Asperger folks tend to fixate on a couple of interests, issues, or goals. They know everything about what they are interested in, and persevere where a less fixated person might give up and move on to something less frustrating. Grandin believes Einstein; the philosopher Wittgenstein; the artist Vincent Van Gogh, and more recently, Microsoft chief Bill Gates have had Asperger’s. (I won’t say “suffered from” because many so-called Aspies are proud of their superior abilities and not that interested in deep interpersonal relationships. They are more turned inward to what they perceive as a rich interior life.)
Grandin says a person with Asperger’s has the best shot of developing a personal relationship with someone who has highly similar interests and maybe even Asperger's as well.
She writes:”I talked to one lady on the spectrum who met her husband at a science fiction book club. She writes technical manuals and he works in the computer industry. … Their idea of a wonderful romantic evening is to go to a really nice restaurant and talk about computer data storage systems.”
And perhaps that is why Gingrich turns his wives into unpaid advisors and sounding boards, making sure they are always with him, and that their prime interest is strategies for furthering Newt.
I think a member of my extended family has Asperger’s and that has motivated my research. My biggest question is: Can an Aspie really love you? My sense of Asperger folks is that they don’t have empathy because they can’t comprehend what other people are feeling. They have a hard enough time hearing other people and seeing other people’s facial expressions because they so easily experience sensory overload and can’t tune out extraneous stimuli the way “neurotypicals” can. So if a person can’t hear you, can’t see you and can’t “feel your pain,” can you have a mutually supportive, emotionally reciprocal relationship?
And, if Newt’s an Aspie (and even if he’s not), can he be an effective leader if he verbally beats adversaries to a pulp because he doesn’t “feel their pain?” and it seems like appropriate gamesmanship to him? He may have visionary policies and a sense of historical destiny, but can you lead a democracy if you are so detached from the feelings of the populace and so unwilling to acknowledge that your rivals have any redeeming qualities?
Friday, November 4, 2011
My sister Nora's Eulogy
I think my sister Nora came out of the womb talking.
We called her “Chatty Cathy,” after the doll that talked when you pulled her string.
But you didn’t need to pull any string to get Nora to talk.
She was a natural-born storyteller. The stories she told were your stories, all of you gathered here to mourn her. She told these stories because she loved you and she found your lives fascinating and worth sharing with others.
And so …because of Nora --I knew a lot about Shane and Colby, Duane and Amy.. and Juliana, Duane the third and Hope. I knew when Stuie was cracking jokes you couldn’t understand and I got the whole story when DeeDee hit a flagpole at a garage sale. I knew what was up with DeeDee’s nieces and her sister-in-law Marcia and her cousin Janet. I knew about Chris and Keith Schueler’s love lives and career successes. I knew when Rick and Maria landed in Lake Havasu City in winter and when they returned to the cove in spring. I tried to keep tabs on the all the different folks in the Connecticut Connection…Nora knew who they all were, but I needed a big diagram.
I heard second-hand Doc Nesbitt’s medical advice. I heard about Paulette’s decline. I experienced Boots’ final hours and her funeral because Nora told me about them. I knew how bad Hurricane Irene was for Catharine and Jesse Hamilton in Vermont. I heard about Corry Heinrich and her healing oils.
Because of Nora, I knew what exquisite care Rocco took with cars and I knew each developmental milestone Rozzie, Dahlia and Daisy achieved. I followed the reconstruction of Jen Dee’s house and the progression of Nancy Shields’ husband Arne’s illness. Nora always let me know about Ernie and Lori –whom we called Sonny and Cher—and their kids. I learned about a new neighbor, the Forgers and their Dunkin Donut franchises.
Nora once walked back and forth between her house and Tom & Judy Caroon’s to ask legal advice of their lawyer daughter Julianne and relay it back to me by phone. Nora was as proud of Julianne as if Julianne were her own daughter.
I knew how Nora treasured her time this summer with Michael and Patty Peck and how pleased she was when Michael admitted he had had a crush on her when they were teenagers. I heard all about the lovelyJulia Bonaime.
When she lived on William Street in the Cape, I heard all about Sheri Hall, Bud and Ruth Constance, the Youngs, Barry and Amy Davis, the LaMoras.
Nora had married into a large and colorful family, and through her, I knew about the impeccably-dressed Uncle Charlie the undertaker and his wife Flora the former showgirl. I knew about Aunt Hilda and Aunt Elsie. And John’s many cousins –Boots and Judy and Candy, Sally and Tootie, Billy and Debbie Dermody, Judy Dermody Buffum and Chuckie Cummmings – and their richly-patterned lives. I heard about Cousin Cathy’s unexpected death in California, and how sad Nora was that she was alone when she died.
Nora also told me about all the travails of John’s friends:Angelo, Ken from Spicer’s Bay marina, Tony Lawyer, Kenny and Lolly, the larger-than-life and louder-than-life Tommy Gates, Dick Battista, and Bill Fisher…whom Nora set up on dates with a couple of her friends. In the summers before she got sick, she would routinely have ten or 12 people at her dinner table…many of whom I had first met through her stories. And she always had a freshly baked layer cake on the cake plate.
Nora came late to teaching, but she was a natural-born teacher. She loved the collegiality of working with .teachers, principals, aides and superintendents…friends like Marlene and Joe Durgin, Ann Crissley, Cathy Bell, Mike Bashaw, Dr. Slattery, Heather LeVarnway, Amy Booth, Toni Gibson, Bonnie Cooper, Joanne Faukenham. Myra LaClair, Lisa Graham, Bob Hurley, Debbie Eldredge Block, Miranda Urac McKenzie. (Nick said Miranda named her first child after him.)
She was very involved in the lives of her students. Nora would buy clothes for her students at garage sales and the Salvation Army. Her friend Marlene Durgin talked about how Nora once sent flowers to the mother of a student…the mother had never before received flowers.
Nora also told wonderful stories about her very special special ed students. I remember one student would come into school in the morning and immediately strip off all his clothes. Another student with Asperger’s did flawless weather reports in a broadcaster'’s voice.
Nora grew up in a suburb outside New York City in a family dominated by strong women. My mother sang in a deep alto and was one tough cookie. I was the oldest …they adopted my brother Lou, who was probably psychologically damaged when we made him play dress-up with us. Then came the twins,Marian and Margaret. Nora w as the baby of the family for 6 years until my late brother Tommy came along. Nora was named for my mother’s favorite aunt and Nora was my mother’s favorite because she had brown eyes like my Dad. In her twenties, Nora lived with both Margaret and Marian in Tucson Arizona.
Along the way, Nora would add on some sisters-in-spirit…Dee Dee and Maria, Birgitt and Christina Trottier, Carol DeAugusta, Debbie Solensky, Lisa Savage. And she was extremely attached to our Aunt Ann and our cousins, especially Eileen, Kathleen, Tommy, Georgie and Carol Ann .
Nora not only talked early, she sang in her crib, rocking back and forth, usually singing one or another tune from the 1920’s or 1930s that my mother had taught her…Daisy, Daisy give me your answer true…and I love you, Yes I do, I love you.
She always loved music and went to concerts with Marian and Margaret from the time she was a teen until just a couple of weeks ago. She went to many Dave Matthews concerts with Nick and Kendall. She and I and Maria liked going to concerts at the Clayton Opera House. She was scheduled to go to a concert this coming weekend with DeeDee in Long Island. The music choices at today’s service –played by my son and daughter-in-law Matt and Melany—were ones Nora chose for her funeral….Joni Mitchell and John Lennon and Kansas. We can only be thankful she didn’t request Stairway to Heaven and Innagoddadivida.
She even told stories about her pets of the barking, swimming and tweeting variety.
She often told me about her fish who lived in that big tank in her living room. And she was always shocked when the big predator fish ate the small ornamental fish.
Her Airedale Buttercup was her canine soulmate for many years. Nora thought the dog’s full name… Buttercup LaChance..made her sound like a streetwalker. Nora also believed Buttercup was lesbian, a concept I never thought about before in a dog. Nora named her Maltese Sparkle after comedienne Gilda Radner’s dog… Gilda had ovarian cancer too.
On May 4, 2006 Nora called to tell me she has just been diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer. Like Nora, 75 percent of women are not diagnosed until late stage. When the cancer has spread, only25 of women percent survive 5 years.
It was a death sentence. But Nora went for 29 chemo sessions over these past 5 and a half years. She would be so sick for 10 days after chemo that she stayed in the house and didn’t talk to anyone. Each time she recovered, she got up, made dinner, did the recycling, and went out to concerts and the movies and garage sales. She was good to go until the next sickening round of chemo.
When an intestinal blockage of tumor and scar tissue made it impossible for her to eat real food, she hooked herself up to a tube in her arm each night for nutrition. During the day, she walked around with plastic piping that snaked out of her gut to a plastic bag that held bile. Her cousin Shannon made her a hunter-green pouch to hold the bile bag. She turned her disability into a fashion statement.
She was proud to have participated in the national documentary The Whisper about the misdiagnosed symptoms of ovarian cancer.
She wanted so desperately to eat again that she underwent surgery in Boston this May to bypass the intestinal blockage. But the surgeon couldn’t find enough usable intestine, and the operation failed. For 20 months, she lived on liquid nutrition. But every time I talked to her, she would ask, “What are you making for dinner tonight?”
When she joined Facebook, she found another way to keep in contact with old friends, nieces and nephews and cousins, in-laws and out-laws. She was always posting links on political issues, including medical marijuana.
Her step-children Julie and Johnny were her age and were more friends than children.
Julie, one of the most fun times we all had on the river was your wedding reception in the back yard at Rock Beach in the summer of 2005. Nora, Sue, DeeDee and her nieces, Maria, Tom Caroon, Tom McQueeny and Maeve planned and catered the reception. Nick was the bartender.
Johnny, you provided monumental support to Nora and the family in her final years. She often expressed her gratitude to me for what you’ve done. She cherished Max and Sam and Sue, and always let me know what they were up to.
Nick, Mom thought you were a genius from the time you were an infant. We’ve been talking these last few days about all your hi-jinks…impersonating a park ranger, untying a sailboat full of sleeping passengers and letting it float away on the St. Lawrence, setting coffee creamers on fire after Nanny Amoroso’s funeral and causing the evacuation of an entire hotel. You caused Mom a lot of grief but she still thought you were a genius. She was so proud that you have grown into a successful, hard-working and empathetic adult who still retains his crazy, hyperactive, smart-ass, fast-thinking sense of self.
Kendall, your mother loved you so much.. You owe it to her and to yourself to become the glorious, acoomplished and loving woman your mother was. To do that, you get out of bed every day, put one foot in front of the other, ask yourself “What good can I do for the world today?” and pray to your mother for guidance.
John, the greatest story Nora lived in her life was your love story. Like any married couple, you had your ups and downs, but she valued the tender care you took of her. You first met when you took her for a boat ride in 1975. She loved all the boat rides you took her on for the next 36 years, and she was amazed at the house you designed and built for her. Each time you parted, even if it was just while she went to shop at Big M, you kissed each other three times on the lips. She couldn’t do that when she parted this last time, but you know what was in her heart. There will be three kisses waiting for you in Heaven.
She is gone from us, but she is somewhere else: probably chewing St. Peter’s ear off, planning an exquisite meal with Mom, Dad, Tommy, Ann & Achie, Paulette, Arne, Boots and Doc Nesbitt and inquiring about setting up a celestial Facebook account
.
We are better because she loved us and told us one another’s stories.
We called her “Chatty Cathy,” after the doll that talked when you pulled her string.
But you didn’t need to pull any string to get Nora to talk.
She was a natural-born storyteller. The stories she told were your stories, all of you gathered here to mourn her. She told these stories because she loved you and she found your lives fascinating and worth sharing with others.
And so …because of Nora --I knew a lot about Shane and Colby, Duane and Amy.. and Juliana, Duane the third and Hope. I knew when Stuie was cracking jokes you couldn’t understand and I got the whole story when DeeDee hit a flagpole at a garage sale. I knew what was up with DeeDee’s nieces and her sister-in-law Marcia and her cousin Janet. I knew about Chris and Keith Schueler’s love lives and career successes. I knew when Rick and Maria landed in Lake Havasu City in winter and when they returned to the cove in spring. I tried to keep tabs on the all the different folks in the Connecticut Connection…Nora knew who they all were, but I needed a big diagram.
I heard second-hand Doc Nesbitt’s medical advice. I heard about Paulette’s decline. I experienced Boots’ final hours and her funeral because Nora told me about them. I knew how bad Hurricane Irene was for Catharine and Jesse Hamilton in Vermont. I heard about Corry Heinrich and her healing oils.
Because of Nora, I knew what exquisite care Rocco took with cars and I knew each developmental milestone Rozzie, Dahlia and Daisy achieved. I followed the reconstruction of Jen Dee’s house and the progression of Nancy Shields’ husband Arne’s illness. Nora always let me know about Ernie and Lori –whom we called Sonny and Cher—and their kids. I learned about a new neighbor, the Forgers and their Dunkin Donut franchises.
Nora once walked back and forth between her house and Tom & Judy Caroon’s to ask legal advice of their lawyer daughter Julianne and relay it back to me by phone. Nora was as proud of Julianne as if Julianne were her own daughter.
I knew how Nora treasured her time this summer with Michael and Patty Peck and how pleased she was when Michael admitted he had had a crush on her when they were teenagers. I heard all about the lovelyJulia Bonaime.
When she lived on William Street in the Cape, I heard all about Sheri Hall, Bud and Ruth Constance, the Youngs, Barry and Amy Davis, the LaMoras.
Nora had married into a large and colorful family, and through her, I knew about the impeccably-dressed Uncle Charlie the undertaker and his wife Flora the former showgirl. I knew about Aunt Hilda and Aunt Elsie. And John’s many cousins –Boots and Judy and Candy, Sally and Tootie, Billy and Debbie Dermody, Judy Dermody Buffum and Chuckie Cummmings – and their richly-patterned lives. I heard about Cousin Cathy’s unexpected death in California, and how sad Nora was that she was alone when she died.
Nora also told me about all the travails of John’s friends:Angelo, Ken from Spicer’s Bay marina, Tony Lawyer, Kenny and Lolly, the larger-than-life and louder-than-life Tommy Gates, Dick Battista, and Bill Fisher…whom Nora set up on dates with a couple of her friends. In the summers before she got sick, she would routinely have ten or 12 people at her dinner table…many of whom I had first met through her stories. And she always had a freshly baked layer cake on the cake plate.
Nora came late to teaching, but she was a natural-born teacher. She loved the collegiality of working with .teachers, principals, aides and superintendents…friends like Marlene and Joe Durgin, Ann Crissley, Cathy Bell, Mike Bashaw, Dr. Slattery, Heather LeVarnway, Amy Booth, Toni Gibson, Bonnie Cooper, Joanne Faukenham. Myra LaClair, Lisa Graham, Bob Hurley, Debbie Eldredge Block, Miranda Urac McKenzie. (Nick said Miranda named her first child after him.)
She was very involved in the lives of her students. Nora would buy clothes for her students at garage sales and the Salvation Army. Her friend Marlene Durgin talked about how Nora once sent flowers to the mother of a student…the mother had never before received flowers.
Nora also told wonderful stories about her very special special ed students. I remember one student would come into school in the morning and immediately strip off all his clothes. Another student with Asperger’s did flawless weather reports in a broadcaster'’s voice.
Nora grew up in a suburb outside New York City in a family dominated by strong women. My mother sang in a deep alto and was one tough cookie. I was the oldest …they adopted my brother Lou, who was probably psychologically damaged when we made him play dress-up with us. Then came the twins,Marian and Margaret. Nora w as the baby of the family for 6 years until my late brother Tommy came along. Nora was named for my mother’s favorite aunt and Nora was my mother’s favorite because she had brown eyes like my Dad. In her twenties, Nora lived with both Margaret and Marian in Tucson Arizona.
Along the way, Nora would add on some sisters-in-spirit…Dee Dee and Maria, Birgitt and Christina Trottier, Carol DeAugusta, Debbie Solensky, Lisa Savage. And she was extremely attached to our Aunt Ann and our cousins, especially Eileen, Kathleen, Tommy, Georgie and Carol Ann .
Nora not only talked early, she sang in her crib, rocking back and forth, usually singing one or another tune from the 1920’s or 1930s that my mother had taught her…Daisy, Daisy give me your answer true…and I love you, Yes I do, I love you.
She always loved music and went to concerts with Marian and Margaret from the time she was a teen until just a couple of weeks ago. She went to many Dave Matthews concerts with Nick and Kendall. She and I and Maria liked going to concerts at the Clayton Opera House. She was scheduled to go to a concert this coming weekend with DeeDee in Long Island. The music choices at today’s service –played by my son and daughter-in-law Matt and Melany—were ones Nora chose for her funeral….Joni Mitchell and John Lennon and Kansas. We can only be thankful she didn’t request Stairway to Heaven and Innagoddadivida.
She even told stories about her pets of the barking, swimming and tweeting variety.
She often told me about her fish who lived in that big tank in her living room. And she was always shocked when the big predator fish ate the small ornamental fish.
Her Airedale Buttercup was her canine soulmate for many years. Nora thought the dog’s full name… Buttercup LaChance..made her sound like a streetwalker. Nora also believed Buttercup was lesbian, a concept I never thought about before in a dog. Nora named her Maltese Sparkle after comedienne Gilda Radner’s dog… Gilda had ovarian cancer too.
On May 4, 2006 Nora called to tell me she has just been diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer. Like Nora, 75 percent of women are not diagnosed until late stage. When the cancer has spread, only25 of women percent survive 5 years.
It was a death sentence. But Nora went for 29 chemo sessions over these past 5 and a half years. She would be so sick for 10 days after chemo that she stayed in the house and didn’t talk to anyone. Each time she recovered, she got up, made dinner, did the recycling, and went out to concerts and the movies and garage sales. She was good to go until the next sickening round of chemo.
When an intestinal blockage of tumor and scar tissue made it impossible for her to eat real food, she hooked herself up to a tube in her arm each night for nutrition. During the day, she walked around with plastic piping that snaked out of her gut to a plastic bag that held bile. Her cousin Shannon made her a hunter-green pouch to hold the bile bag. She turned her disability into a fashion statement.
She was proud to have participated in the national documentary The Whisper about the misdiagnosed symptoms of ovarian cancer.
She wanted so desperately to eat again that she underwent surgery in Boston this May to bypass the intestinal blockage. But the surgeon couldn’t find enough usable intestine, and the operation failed. For 20 months, she lived on liquid nutrition. But every time I talked to her, she would ask, “What are you making for dinner tonight?”
When she joined Facebook, she found another way to keep in contact with old friends, nieces and nephews and cousins, in-laws and out-laws. She was always posting links on political issues, including medical marijuana.
Her step-children Julie and Johnny were her age and were more friends than children.
Julie, one of the most fun times we all had on the river was your wedding reception in the back yard at Rock Beach in the summer of 2005. Nora, Sue, DeeDee and her nieces, Maria, Tom Caroon, Tom McQueeny and Maeve planned and catered the reception. Nick was the bartender.
Johnny, you provided monumental support to Nora and the family in her final years. She often expressed her gratitude to me for what you’ve done. She cherished Max and Sam and Sue, and always let me know what they were up to.
Nick, Mom thought you were a genius from the time you were an infant. We’ve been talking these last few days about all your hi-jinks…impersonating a park ranger, untying a sailboat full of sleeping passengers and letting it float away on the St. Lawrence, setting coffee creamers on fire after Nanny Amoroso’s funeral and causing the evacuation of an entire hotel. You caused Mom a lot of grief but she still thought you were a genius. She was so proud that you have grown into a successful, hard-working and empathetic adult who still retains his crazy, hyperactive, smart-ass, fast-thinking sense of self.
Kendall, your mother loved you so much.. You owe it to her and to yourself to become the glorious, acoomplished and loving woman your mother was. To do that, you get out of bed every day, put one foot in front of the other, ask yourself “What good can I do for the world today?” and pray to your mother for guidance.
John, the greatest story Nora lived in her life was your love story. Like any married couple, you had your ups and downs, but she valued the tender care you took of her. You first met when you took her for a boat ride in 1975. She loved all the boat rides you took her on for the next 36 years, and she was amazed at the house you designed and built for her. Each time you parted, even if it was just while she went to shop at Big M, you kissed each other three times on the lips. She couldn’t do that when she parted this last time, but you know what was in her heart. There will be three kisses waiting for you in Heaven.
She is gone from us, but she is somewhere else: probably chewing St. Peter’s ear off, planning an exquisite meal with Mom, Dad, Tommy, Ann & Achie, Paulette, Arne, Boots and Doc Nesbitt and inquiring about setting up a celestial Facebook account
.
We are better because she loved us and told us one another’s stories.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
As She Lay Dying
October 25, 2011. It was 46 degrees outside my summer home in Cape Vincent, NY at 8 am this morning. Not bad for the North Country just a month out from Thanksgiving.
I am here out of season because my sister Nora is busy dying in the first-floor bedroom of the home her husband John built for their family 7 miles away in Rock Beach on the St. Lawrence River. I use the term “busy” advisedly. It looks like hard work lying there, her eyes closed mostly. She’s on drugs to ease the pain, but it’s painful nonetheless. Her legs and belly have swelled up with fluid because her liver has been compromised by the ovarian cancer.
Her voice is high-pitched when she speaks. And when she speaks, there are gaps and pauses which I fill with questions and comments. This is a new thing. Nora was always such a rapid-fire talker (we called her “Chatty Cathy” as a child) that I rarely spoke in our conversations.
I feel so badly for her. But I know this is the process. She fought hard for five and a half years. Just last month, she came down to my house in New Jersey and had a wonderful night at a tavern with friends from Bergenfield High School. She had had her hair and make-up done and she didn’t look sick at all. She looked fabulous.
She hasn’t really eaten in 18 months because the cancer blocked her intestinal tract. (She sometimes sucked on Cheetohs to get the taste of the salt.) She’s gotten her nutrition from a nightly drip in her arm. But she’s been a trooper. In May she underwent an operation in Boston to unblock her intestines because she desperately wanted to eat again. That surgery didn’t work out.
She is still on her liquid nutrition, and for that reason, Hospice didn’t want to take her as a client. But Hospice has now agreed to see her, and so a hospice worker will come today.
Her husband John helps her to get up and urinate in a Porta-potty in her room and helps her with her meds. John and son Nick spend time each day working on a junker car for daughter Kendall and a new engine for Nick’s truck. We eat dinner together –sometimes with John and Nora’s friends Dee-Dee and Stuie, who live two doors down. We keep watch.
Is Nora going to an afterlife? If there is no afterlife, that would be okay, I think. There would be the peace of nothingness after the celebration of life in full swing.
But I’ve worked with a couple of mediums when I hosted a talk show. They seem to be reading something. It could be the energy memory in the person they are reading, I suppose.
When my mother was in her last years and suffering from Alzheimer’s, one medium said my late father told her that he and other family spirits talked to my Mom while she slept and urged her to come to the other side. My Mom, being an extremely stubborn woman, resisted. My Mom ultimately died in a nursing home while I was visiting my sister Marian in Arizona. I felt awful I wasn’t there. But it was just like my Mom not to want any death-bed scene.
I do believe there is a fulcrum, a point at which the weight of your life-force hangs in the balance between life and death. Nora seems at that point now. There is nothing we can do but keep watch and bear witness.
I am here out of season because my sister Nora is busy dying in the first-floor bedroom of the home her husband John built for their family 7 miles away in Rock Beach on the St. Lawrence River. I use the term “busy” advisedly. It looks like hard work lying there, her eyes closed mostly. She’s on drugs to ease the pain, but it’s painful nonetheless. Her legs and belly have swelled up with fluid because her liver has been compromised by the ovarian cancer.
Her voice is high-pitched when she speaks. And when she speaks, there are gaps and pauses which I fill with questions and comments. This is a new thing. Nora was always such a rapid-fire talker (we called her “Chatty Cathy” as a child) that I rarely spoke in our conversations.
I feel so badly for her. But I know this is the process. She fought hard for five and a half years. Just last month, she came down to my house in New Jersey and had a wonderful night at a tavern with friends from Bergenfield High School. She had had her hair and make-up done and she didn’t look sick at all. She looked fabulous.
She hasn’t really eaten in 18 months because the cancer blocked her intestinal tract. (She sometimes sucked on Cheetohs to get the taste of the salt.) She’s gotten her nutrition from a nightly drip in her arm. But she’s been a trooper. In May she underwent an operation in Boston to unblock her intestines because she desperately wanted to eat again. That surgery didn’t work out.
She is still on her liquid nutrition, and for that reason, Hospice didn’t want to take her as a client. But Hospice has now agreed to see her, and so a hospice worker will come today.
Her husband John helps her to get up and urinate in a Porta-potty in her room and helps her with her meds. John and son Nick spend time each day working on a junker car for daughter Kendall and a new engine for Nick’s truck. We eat dinner together –sometimes with John and Nora’s friends Dee-Dee and Stuie, who live two doors down. We keep watch.
Is Nora going to an afterlife? If there is no afterlife, that would be okay, I think. There would be the peace of nothingness after the celebration of life in full swing.
But I’ve worked with a couple of mediums when I hosted a talk show. They seem to be reading something. It could be the energy memory in the person they are reading, I suppose.
When my mother was in her last years and suffering from Alzheimer’s, one medium said my late father told her that he and other family spirits talked to my Mom while she slept and urged her to come to the other side. My Mom, being an extremely stubborn woman, resisted. My Mom ultimately died in a nursing home while I was visiting my sister Marian in Arizona. I felt awful I wasn’t there. But it was just like my Mom not to want any death-bed scene.
I do believe there is a fulcrum, a point at which the weight of your life-force hangs in the balance between life and death. Nora seems at that point now. There is nothing we can do but keep watch and bear witness.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Honoring the Genogram
This is a story about a wake and a matchmaking opportunity.
My friend Joanne’s mother Madeline died the day before Palm Sunday. Joanne is my friend from high school at the Academy of the Holy Angels. My friend Ann –who’s been my friend since first grade at St. John’s in Bergenfield –called me from North Carolina to make sure I knew about Madeline’s passing. Ann is married to Joanne’s cousin Brian, the son of Madeline’s sister.
My husband Jim attended the wake on his own early in the afternoon. He is kind of a celebrity and he actually is a very energizing presence at wakes. It’s one of his gifts.
My 17-year-old son Tom and I arrived later, having just spent time helping to set up my son Matt’s and daughter-in law Melany’s new household in Sparta.
When you step into a wake, you immediately do a kind of triage, scanning the room for the relatives of the deceased and other connected people you may have known in the past. My high school friend Louise Cook came up to me, and pointed me in Joanne’s direction.
Joanne was seated in the middle of the room, holding court. Truth to tell, Joanne is a kind of celebrity by force of her personality. She has always exuded an outsized dynamism. She was Miss School Spirit at Holy Angels. She is a flashing, rotating ball of jokes and laughter and twinkling eyes and heartfelt compliments. She was kind enough to include me –a true nerd—in her social circle in Fort Lee when we were teenagers. That was where I met my first boyfriend, Jim Forte.
Joanne pointed out others who had been in our long-ago circle of friends: Lucian and John DeLuca and Jim Cook.
I offered condolences and asked about her mom’s last days. Madeline had Parkinson’s and was a shell of herself in the last few months. But, said Joanne, “She always rallied on Sunday, the day she would visit her sisters at the old house on Summit Avenue.” It was the house where Madeline was born. When she could no longer go to her sisters on Sunday, they came to her.
I had just been talking about genograms –family trees of family dynamics – with my niece-in-law Jane Marie, who is pursuing a doctorate in social work. I believe we all come into the world with our own idiosyncratic spark of divinity, but we are poured into the mold of family. We are shaped by our parents and our siblings, our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, our spouses and our children, and by our family story. (And those who believe in reincarnation believe we repeat those patterns over many lives and many centuries.) When you are at a wake, you are looking at and honoring a genogram during a rite of passage.
Joanne’s mother Madeline was a tough mother when we were in our teens. She had the Irish-American gift of “telling it like it is” (remember Maureen O’ Hara as John Candy’s mother in the 1991 film “Only the Lonely?”). Madeline had a throaty chuckle when she might say something completely on point but potentially devastating to the immature adolescent ego. She kept maybe 10 boxes of Entenmann’s cakes in her kitchen at all times so that none of her family would become alcoholic. Madeline felt sugar and carbs would deter the Irish urge to imbibe. (Nobody drank, but Joanne says the Entenmann calories were no good for her figure.)
And she really was a great beauty, always well-coiffed and well-dressed.
My own mother was equally tough. She once told me I could get a fever in my brain that would take away my intelligence, which she knew was the only thing I had going for me at the time.
But my mother was more tomboyish, so I never really had to try to match up to the whole “being-a-lady” thing. (Although she was furious that I didn’t want to wear nylon stockings when I was in the eighth grade and she accused me of “not wanting to compete with other girls.” I still don’t like to wear hosiery.)
At the wake, Joanne introduced me to her daughter Tara. This is where the matchmaking opportunity comes into play.
I first met Tara when she was in a stroller and was less than a year old. I was pregnant with my second son Mike.
I remember Tara at age 3 when Joanne came over to our house for dinner, and in her typically exuberant way, remained chatting until late in the night. Tara said, “Joanne [not Mom, Joanne], it’s time to go. Right now.”
The last time I saw Tara was at her First Holy Communion party at age 7.
But here was Tara, at age 25. She was in graduate school for social work. She had presence and was unafraid to interact with her mom’s friends. Like her grandmother, she was a straight shooter. She seemed to have a sense of humor and a sense of fun.
She was still bossing her mother around. “Mom, we are going out to dinner IMMEDIATELY after we leave here.”
She was beautiful, with a very mobile expressive face, like the comedic actress Katherine Heigl.
And I thought of what Joanne had said to her daughter Tara after Joanne read some funny blog entries from my son Mike about my son Matt’s wedding. Joanne wrote me and said, “I was very touched when I read Mike's blog on the wedding rehearsal. He writes beautifully, just like his mother. After reading Mike's blog on the rehearsal, I told Tara, ‘I want you to marry someone like Mary's son, Mike.’"
Hmnnn, I thought, looking at Tara. It would be nice if Mike and Tara met. My son Mike the law student is funny and caring. He likes to talk and brooks no fools. But I have no idea about how to stage a meeting. It would never have occurred to me to do this.
My mother always fancied herself a match-maker. Deep in her dementia, when she no longer remembered her four daughters were already married, she asked every doctor who treated her, “Are you single? I have a girl for you.”
I mentioned how Tara and Mike might like each other to my husband Jim. I swear he has Asperger’s, the inability to interpret social cues and social norms, because he immediately called Mike and said, “Your mom wants you to go on a date with Joanne Quinn’s daughter Tara.”
When he told me he had told Mike this, I said, ”Do you have no filters? You don’t just blurt this out. You set up an ‘accidental’ or group get-together and see how things go.”
Now I’m stymied. And Tara specifically ordered me not to write about her. Oh, well.
My friend Joanne’s mother Madeline died the day before Palm Sunday. Joanne is my friend from high school at the Academy of the Holy Angels. My friend Ann –who’s been my friend since first grade at St. John’s in Bergenfield –called me from North Carolina to make sure I knew about Madeline’s passing. Ann is married to Joanne’s cousin Brian, the son of Madeline’s sister.
My husband Jim attended the wake on his own early in the afternoon. He is kind of a celebrity and he actually is a very energizing presence at wakes. It’s one of his gifts.
My 17-year-old son Tom and I arrived later, having just spent time helping to set up my son Matt’s and daughter-in law Melany’s new household in Sparta.
When you step into a wake, you immediately do a kind of triage, scanning the room for the relatives of the deceased and other connected people you may have known in the past. My high school friend Louise Cook came up to me, and pointed me in Joanne’s direction.
Joanne was seated in the middle of the room, holding court. Truth to tell, Joanne is a kind of celebrity by force of her personality. She has always exuded an outsized dynamism. She was Miss School Spirit at Holy Angels. She is a flashing, rotating ball of jokes and laughter and twinkling eyes and heartfelt compliments. She was kind enough to include me –a true nerd—in her social circle in Fort Lee when we were teenagers. That was where I met my first boyfriend, Jim Forte.
Joanne pointed out others who had been in our long-ago circle of friends: Lucian and John DeLuca and Jim Cook.
I offered condolences and asked about her mom’s last days. Madeline had Parkinson’s and was a shell of herself in the last few months. But, said Joanne, “She always rallied on Sunday, the day she would visit her sisters at the old house on Summit Avenue.” It was the house where Madeline was born. When she could no longer go to her sisters on Sunday, they came to her.
I had just been talking about genograms –family trees of family dynamics – with my niece-in-law Jane Marie, who is pursuing a doctorate in social work. I believe we all come into the world with our own idiosyncratic spark of divinity, but we are poured into the mold of family. We are shaped by our parents and our siblings, our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, our spouses and our children, and by our family story. (And those who believe in reincarnation believe we repeat those patterns over many lives and many centuries.) When you are at a wake, you are looking at and honoring a genogram during a rite of passage.
Joanne’s mother Madeline was a tough mother when we were in our teens. She had the Irish-American gift of “telling it like it is” (remember Maureen O’ Hara as John Candy’s mother in the 1991 film “Only the Lonely?”). Madeline had a throaty chuckle when she might say something completely on point but potentially devastating to the immature adolescent ego. She kept maybe 10 boxes of Entenmann’s cakes in her kitchen at all times so that none of her family would become alcoholic. Madeline felt sugar and carbs would deter the Irish urge to imbibe. (Nobody drank, but Joanne says the Entenmann calories were no good for her figure.)
And she really was a great beauty, always well-coiffed and well-dressed.
My own mother was equally tough. She once told me I could get a fever in my brain that would take away my intelligence, which she knew was the only thing I had going for me at the time.
But my mother was more tomboyish, so I never really had to try to match up to the whole “being-a-lady” thing. (Although she was furious that I didn’t want to wear nylon stockings when I was in the eighth grade and she accused me of “not wanting to compete with other girls.” I still don’t like to wear hosiery.)
At the wake, Joanne introduced me to her daughter Tara. This is where the matchmaking opportunity comes into play.
I first met Tara when she was in a stroller and was less than a year old. I was pregnant with my second son Mike.
I remember Tara at age 3 when Joanne came over to our house for dinner, and in her typically exuberant way, remained chatting until late in the night. Tara said, “Joanne [not Mom, Joanne], it’s time to go. Right now.”
The last time I saw Tara was at her First Holy Communion party at age 7.
But here was Tara, at age 25. She was in graduate school for social work. She had presence and was unafraid to interact with her mom’s friends. Like her grandmother, she was a straight shooter. She seemed to have a sense of humor and a sense of fun.
She was still bossing her mother around. “Mom, we are going out to dinner IMMEDIATELY after we leave here.”
She was beautiful, with a very mobile expressive face, like the comedic actress Katherine Heigl.
And I thought of what Joanne had said to her daughter Tara after Joanne read some funny blog entries from my son Mike about my son Matt’s wedding. Joanne wrote me and said, “I was very touched when I read Mike's blog on the wedding rehearsal. He writes beautifully, just like his mother. After reading Mike's blog on the rehearsal, I told Tara, ‘I want you to marry someone like Mary's son, Mike.’"
Hmnnn, I thought, looking at Tara. It would be nice if Mike and Tara met. My son Mike the law student is funny and caring. He likes to talk and brooks no fools. But I have no idea about how to stage a meeting. It would never have occurred to me to do this.
My mother always fancied herself a match-maker. Deep in her dementia, when she no longer remembered her four daughters were already married, she asked every doctor who treated her, “Are you single? I have a girl for you.”
I mentioned how Tara and Mike might like each other to my husband Jim. I swear he has Asperger’s, the inability to interpret social cues and social norms, because he immediately called Mike and said, “Your mom wants you to go on a date with Joanne Quinn’s daughter Tara.”
When he told me he had told Mike this, I said, ”Do you have no filters? You don’t just blurt this out. You set up an ‘accidental’ or group get-together and see how things go.”
Now I’m stymied. And Tara specifically ordered me not to write about her. Oh, well.
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